Arafat telephone transcripts
Eat your heart out, Drudge. Glenn, ya snooze, ya lose. yourish.com
has obtained the actual transcripts of Yasser Arafat's phone calls
to world leaders from inside his besieged compound! It's another exclusive
from the folks that brought you Iseema bin Laden's
Diary! Without further ado:
Arafat: Kofi, my friend, I need a little help here. Can you convene
the Security Council and get them to get these Israeli tanks off my front
Annan: Mr. President, you know that I will do everything in my
power to help you. I have sent a memo using the strongest possible language
to each of the Security Council members that we must do something about
the situation in Ramallah right away. I am recommending that our assistants
schedule a meeting to discuss what time the Council can meet, where we
will certainly get down to the business of putting together a resolution
that will ask both sides to cease the violence. But first, a question:
Mr. President, have you sent out the word to your people to stop the bombing?
Terrorism will not bring the Palestinian people closer to the establishment
of an independent Palestinian state.
Arafat: Moammar, my brother, now is the time for you to step up
to the rock and help your Palestinian brethren. We need you now as never
before to help us defeat the Israeli aggressors!
Gaddafi: Yasser, let me ask you--did you or did you not say that
you think "Isratine" was the stupidest idea since that assassination
attempt on you-know-who in the eighties?
Arafat: Moammar, my brother, my friend--you do know I was only
kidding, right? Just a joke! Isratine is a great idea; I'm going
to bring it up at the very next Arab League Summit, I swear by the Prophet,
peace be upon him.
Arafat: Hello? Hello?
Arafat: Rafik, my Lebanese brother, I need your help now more
than ever. What about mobilizing the forces and maybe throwing in a few
columns from Syria, sending them here to Ramallah and kicking these Israelis
right out of here?
Hariri: Mr. Arafat, you know we're not allowed to mention the S-word
here in Lebanon. There are no S-columns here, no soldiers from any nation
other than Lebanon, and I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.
Arafat: Rafik, what's the matter with you? The Israelis can't listen
in on this, it's a secure cell phone line! Just pick up the phone to Assad
and ask him for permission to send in a couple of companies!
Hariri: [using disguised voice] We're sorry, but that number is
no longer in service. Please hang up and try again later. [click]
Arafat: Hello? Hello? Damn! Again?
Arafat: Hosni, nobody understands the depths to which Sharon will
sink better than you! Can you help me get those tanks out of my compound?
They've already destroyed four of my buildings, and I just put in a hot
tub last month!
Mubarak: Yasser, I'd really love to help you out. I've already
issued a very strong statement saying in no uncertain terms that
the Israelis have no right to occupy Ramallah and should leave immediately.
Oh, and I called the Israelis "terrorists", just like you suggested.
Arafat: But Hosni, I need more than words, I need action.
My men are being killed, I'm trapped with no electricity, no water, and
if you think not being able to flush toilets isn't one of the more annoying
things in life, you haven't been to the slums of Cairo lately.
Mubarak: There are no slums in Cairo. There are no slums in all
of Egypt. What are you implying?
Arafat: Can we talk about the poverty situation in Cairo some other
time? I really need--
Arafat: Amr, can't the Arab League do something about the situation?
Moussa: Yasser, we did. We issued the unanimous approval of the
Saudi Peace Plan. We've got the PR upper hand; now the Israelis are going
to look like fools, and intractable ones at that, when they refuse to
go along with it. Of course we rigged it so they'll never agree to our
Arafat: No, Amr, I mean now. I mean can you get the League
back together, issue a statement to Israel demanding that she remove the
tanks from my doorstep--oh, dammit, now they ran over the rosebushes!
Do you know how hard my mother-in-law worked to make those roses grow?
Moussa: Yasser, you know how hard it is to schedule these things.
We can't do this at the drop of a kaffiyeh, you know. There are people
to contact, schedules to work out, parties, feasts--oh, we can't possibly
do this before August. Can you hold out 'til then?
Arafat: Mr. Secretary, we all know that if the United States says
jump, Israel says how high, can't you call Sharon and get these tanks--
Powell: Don't interrupt me again, Mr. Arafat, I have a few things
to say to you about--terrorism.
[15 minutes later]
Arafat: So you're telling me that I'm on my own?
Powell: No, that's not what I said. Listen. And stop interrupting.
[15 minutes later]
Arafat: Can I get a word in edgewise now?
Arafat: So you're telling me I'm on my own?
Arafat: Hey! How's it going, uh--um--
Various African leaders: [click] [click] [click] [click]
And that's the end of the transcripts. Remember, this is exclusive
to yourish.com--so if you post this anywhere
else, don't forget our slogan: What, you think we make this stuff up?