The latest brouhaha in the British parliament clearly shows that some conservatives still cannot figure out the power of PCS (Politically Correct Speak). The new invention of the Home Secretary that will ease the task of isolation and extermination of terrorism is beautiful in its simplicity: if you don’t like it - just call it “anti-Islamic”. And you are home and dry.

Of course, the dreary conservatives who always like things just as they are would vastly prefer to call a terrorist “terrorist”, a bomb “bomb”, a wife-beater “wife-beater”. They just don’t get it.

I, on the other hand, fell in love with the new idea immediately and have been vigorously applying it in my personal life. Here are some results I am happy to share with you.

1. Spouse. Definitely Islamic - pure as snow and so good I may even splurge on a burqa as a sign of my appreciation.
2. Children. Mostly Islamic, but sometimes showing signs of anti-Islamic behavior (like asking for money, refusing to behave, etc.)
3. Male cat. Definitely anti-Islamic, esp. when stealing food, breaking things and pissing in randomly chosen corners.
4. Female cat. Generally Islamic, excluding the tendency to cry out loudly at nighttime.
5. The Japanese car. Superbly Islamic.
6. The French car. Violently anti-Islamic and may have to be beheaded. Publicly.
7. Friend #1. Mostly Islamic but doesn’t hold his drink. Er… anyway…
8. Friend #2. Generally Islamic, but doesn’t return books. May have to chop off his hand.

Etc. You got the principle now, unless you are thick as… Don’t you see how amazingly simple life became? And how orderly and easy to understand the world really is?

If not, you are anti-Islamic and have to be dealt with. Watch out.

Cross-posted on SimplyJews.

In honor of UN Day, let us do exactly as the UN does. Since we don’t exactly have wars here, these are the rules for anyone who attacks anyone else in the comments of this post:

If the complainant is white, Israeli, American, or Jewish (and particularly those four and male), I’m going to ignore him.

If the complainant is Muslim Arab, I’m going to issue a resolution demanding that the offender cease and desist immediately, and follow that up with more resolutions condemning the attackers for Islamophobia.

If the complainant is Muslim non-Arab, same as above, unless the complainant and the attacker are both Muslim. In that case, I will do nothing and say nothing.

If the complainant is a woman, I’m going to organize a worldwide Women’s Day of Solitude and solicit other women bloggers to put up a post protesting the lack of respect for women bloggers in my comments, and in the comments of weblogs the world over.

If the complainant is from certain parts of Africa and female, she will be propositioned for sexual favors by the people who police the comments here, and in some cases, forced into having sex and keeping quiet about it. If the woman is underage, well, you know the drill there, too.

If the complainant is from Darfur, I’m going to determine that there was not an attack taking place and ignore him completely.

If the attacker is from a South American country that is ruled by a dictator but had, in any part of its past, suffered from American imperialism, I’m going to ignore the attack.

If the attacker and attacked are both South or Latin American, I’m going to ignore the attack.

If the attacker is North Korean, I’m going to recommend that we find five other bloggers and discuss the attack for several years, then try to get the attacker to promise to give up attacking, and of course, ignore the attacker when this does not happen.

If the attacker is particularly vile, I’m going to refer it to the Yourish.com Commission on Human Rights in Comments, where we will then condemn my Israeli commenters while ignoring the vile attackers of other origins. Omri Ceren will probably come in for a special lashing; he’s Israeli, he lives in America, and he’s a Zionist.

If one of my commenters makes signs like s/he’s going nuclear, I’m going to issue a warning. Then I’ll wait a few months to see if that commenter is still ready to go nuclear, and issue another toothless warning. I will have my Comments Inspectors keeping an eye on that commenter, that is, with the commenter’s permission, and if the commenter refuses, I will think for several months about issuing yet another warning. After several years, I will attempt sanctions against that commenter, but if my fellow bloggers refuse to go along, then I will simply wait and see if that commenter is really going to go nuclear, while allowing the head of my Comments Inspectors to say that the commenter is not going to go nuclear, and probably will never go nuclear, and anyway, the commenter should be allowed peaceful nuclear power in the comments, and there’s no way to prevent it in any case. The Russian and Chinese Blogger Commission will threaten to veto sanctions, and there we’ll be stuck for some time.

And last, but not least: I will allow my commenters to talk all over everyone else’s comments without obeying the rules, and without paying any penalties, since they have diplomatic immunity.

Happy UN Day, and thanks for the idea, Alex Bensky.

Don’t miss it.

“How to Take a Life.”

There is no such thing as bad publicity, they say. Whoever they may be, they are unquestionably right. Mel Gibson has proved it exceedingly well, making an outlandish and, as most viewers agree, boring opus into a center of a heated public brawl for months before its first screening. And no matter how many eggs were thrown in his face, his bank account paid for all the detergent necessary to do a thorough cleaning job.

And here comes another wannabe Mel, creating another brouhaha around an opus that, frankly, I am not going to hold my breath for:

Cannes is smacking its lips in anticipation of filmmaker and provocateur Michael Moore’s latest jeremiad against the US administration, which receives its premiere at the film festival today. Sicko, a documentary tackling the state of American healthcare, focuses on the pharmaceutical giants, and particularly on health insurers.

That Cannes is smacking its lips goes without saying. Anything showing US in a bad light will have the Cannes public in throes of a multiple orgasm. And of course, who else but the esteemed expert in weaving half-truths into another provocation that will appeal to the right kind of public?

The Gibson prepared by the fatso and his producer this time is definitely a new one:

Now, according to movie mogul Harvey Weinstein, whose Weinstein Company is behind the film, the US government is attempting to impound the negative.

And what, pray, would be the reason for such an extraordinary move by the ‘US government’?

In March, Moore travelled to the Caribbean island with a group of emergency workers from New York’s Ground Zero to see whether they would receive better care under the Castro regime than they had under George Bush. He had applied for permission to travel in October 2006 and received no reply.

In a letter dated May 2, the treasury department notified Moore that it was investigating him for unlicensed travel to Cuba, or, as the missive put it, engaging in “travel-related transactions involving Cuba.”

Do you see in the above any reference to the movie? Is it the movie that has broken the law or its “creator”? Why in the whole blue world should the treasury decide to impound the movie, instead of bringing a forklift to transport Mr Moore somewhere for investigation?

And, as it is widely known, quite a few Americans travel to Cuba for this or another reason, sometimes just out of being ornery, and I do not remember seeing American jails overflowing with the inmates who has stepped over this particular line.

Anyways, if the whole story does not smell fishy to you, it may have something to do with an olfactory impediment. Otherwise, it is a lame Gibson, if you ask me. And the best proof is:

Weinstein appeared to be enjoying the brouhaha that the film is stirring up before it has even screened. “I’ve already told the Treasury that they are saving me money on advertising.”

Indeed. Now to this new troublesome child by the trailblazer of the “new age of documentary”.

To say that American health care system is perfect and does not have its woes would be stupid. Anyone who has experienced the insurance companies’ tender care knows what it is all about. But what is the alternative touted by Moore? Even Charlotte Higgins, the author of the article, seems to have been taken aback by the idiocy of that:

The health secretary, Patricia Hewitt, may be surprised by Moore’s ringing - if strictly speaking, factually inaccurate - endorsement for the NHS. “The poorest Brit is healthier and lives longer than the wealthiest American,” he said.

Strictly speaking, indeed. Strictly speaking is not the term one would use in relation to the Moore’s “documentaries”, that’s true. But this overwhelming comparison to the British NHS, hilarious as it might be, is just an appetizer. You see, it is the shining example of Cuban health care system that Moore had in mind embarking on this new venture.

The three sources: Wiki, CANF (the Cuban American source) and its opposite - the Cuba Solidarity site - will give you a general picture of goings-on in Cuban health care system, try to reach your own judgment. But the result is not pretty, and to expect that an already indoctrinated person will come back, after his charges receive a preferential treatment in one of the Cuban clinics for the privileged, to present an objective picture, would be a bit too much…

And let us not forget for a second the inimitable style of Mr Moore:

Of his journalistic style, he said: “It’s the op-ed page. You don’t say that’s not journalism. I present my opinion, my take on things, based on indisputable facts. They could be wrong. I think they’re right.”

If a person challenging the fatso’s bluff were looking for a better way to demolish him, I doubt that this person could have found a better way than just quoting the above confession. Indeed, “indisputable facts that could be wrong” summarizes the whole body of work by Moore better than anything else ever said or written.

However, let’s not forget the author of the article, Charlotte Higgins. In her haste to publish she, how to say it gently, was a bit too free with her facts:

The rightwing backlash has spawned a number of documentaries questioning his methods, including Rick Caine and Debbie Melnyk’s Manufacturing Dissent.

Rick Caine and Debbie Melnyk would be mightily surprised reading this, Ms Higgins. In their worst dreams they did not see being classified as a rightwingers.

Melnyk and Caine have stated that when they first sought to make a film about Moore, they held great admiration for what he had done for the documentary genre and set out to make a biography of him. During the course of their research, however, they became disenchanted with Moore’s tactics.

See, Ms Higgings - you really don’t want to follow in Moore’s steps, publishing “indisputable facts that could be wrong”. Or do you?

Cross-posted on SimplyJews.

Ynet is telling about a newly discovered Jimboism:

Former US President Jimmy Carter once complained there were “too many Jews” on the government’s Holocaust Memorial Council, Monroe Freedman, the council’s former executive director, told WND in an exclusive interview.

Former US president also rejected Christian historian because name sounds ‘too Jewish’…

Which immediately reminded me a joke told during the same period (1980 or a bit earlier) about Carter’s kissing buddy - Leonid Brezhnev of the late USSR.

Some time before the 1980 Olympic games Brezhnev (B) calls one of his flunkies (F).

B: Listen, F - these forinners will swarm our capital soon, and we have to show them that our minorities are being well taken care of.

F: Minorities? We don’t have no minorities in Moscow, comrade Brezhnev! Only good loyal Soviet citizens.

B: Oh, come on, you know whom I mean, these troublemakers…

F: Oh, you mean Jooz?

B: Right, F. Quick thinking.

F: So, comrade Brezhnev, should I remove them… for a while, that is?

B: No, you dummy, just the opposite. I want you to create 20, no, make it 30, synagogues, with all that Jooish stuff and attending worshippers. All that is needed to show the tourists that Jooz are free to pray to their hearts’ content. You have a month to report back to me.

In a month:

F: Comrade Brezhnev, I have a report to make. Your order was implemented, but there was a snag…

B: What, didn’ t you locate enough buildings?

F: No, buildings are fine, some closed churches were reopened and cleaned up a bit.

B: So what - a problem with the congregation?

F: No, that was easy - all highly trained and loyal KGB people, not a hitch on this front…

B: Now come on, what is the deal, man?

F: It is the rabbis, sir…

B: Wazzat - aren’t they Soviet people? Aren’t they loyal? Aren’t they communists, for Lenin’s sake?

F: Well, comrade Brezhnev, they are all Soviet citizens, loyal to the hilt and, of course, communists…

BUT THEY ARE ALL JEWS!!!

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

This is why I laugh when people tell me that Islam has any relation to feminism.

The Saudi Gazette reported that a Saudi man who demanded SR100,000 from his daughter in return for allowing her to marry has been disallowed custody rights by the General Shariah Court, according to the Al-Madina newspaper.

The daughter, 35, who sued her father in court, said he had been turning away all the men who proposed to her until she came up with SR100,000.

Her father listed for the court all the funds he had spent on raising her, and stressed that he simply did not want any relationship with his daughter or to see her after she pays him the stated amount and would relinquish custody of her.

His daughter made it clear to the court she didn’t possess that amount of money.

The salient point: The woman is 35 years old. She cannot marry because her father never gave her permission. This is the Saudi version of Sharia law.

In his verdict, the judge mentioned the father had no right to ask for the money he spent on his daughter because it was his obligation as a guardian, as decreed in the Koran.

The judge will appoint her brother as guardian.

Now she is 35 years old and has a brother as a guardian. Wow, what progress! Maybe by the time her daughter’s 35, she’ll be able to drive in Saudi Arabia.

Naaaaah.

This is not about football (soccer for some of you). The story as told by B.Ali of Kavkaz Center Letter department unfolds a new page in the sinister plot by Zionists, a “silent and soft aggression and backdoor invasion” in Afghanistan.

The gist of the diabolical enterprise is found in the paragraph:

Besides this military and political invasion, the zionists are also launch a public and social invasion. They already involved in educational and humanitarian activities over the Afghan people. They have not only hired the politicians and warlords by money, but also try to hire the people by aid and assistance.

But the details are no less enthralling. Please do not laugh when reading the quotes: it should be clear to all that B.Ali is a valiant fighter against all forms of education, and it shows.

American Jewish World Service (AJWS) is helping the educational program in Herat and Parwan province. AJWS supports two organizations Afghan Institute of Learning (AIL) and Afghan Women’s Resource Center (AWRC). They work for girl and woman education and empower women. AJWS supports AWRC in empowering Afghan women through providing literacy courses and health education to 100 women and girls living in Khwaja Khel village, Parwan province.

That’s really vile, I tell you: education, women and empowerment combined are a sure recipe for trouble, as any self-respecting Muslim male knows only too well… And of course, B.Ali is well aware of it:

But we are everybody know, zionists are not good-wisher of the Muslims. They interfere in the Muslims by getting the chance of poverty and illiteracy.

But they will not hoodwink B.Ali, no, sir:

So it is out of question to oppose female education by any Muslim. We only oppose the Zionist invasion: either on male, or on female; either on adult, or on child. We only oppose the anti-Islamic education and brain-wash project of our enemy. It is our duty to protect our men and women, youths and children from being hijacked by satanic circle. We must save our integrity of family and society.

It goes without saying then, that if you are a good Muslim and have detected a sign of Zionist invasion on a male or female; either on adult, or on child - you should immediately call for the nearest Muslim Purity Vigilante Squad. Visual aids for identification of such invasion will be provided.

And the source our friend B.Ali uses for this fiery sermon gives more on the Zionist plot:

We do not blame all Women organizations. But those organizations, who oppose Islam, recognize Islam as against women rights, encourage women to sexual perversity, create difference and violence between men and women; are undoubtedly represent the Jews. It is mentionable that, Jewish’s support to the women organizations are not for helping the women, it is only for encouraging women against Islam and break our family by creating violence between men and women. … So, the enemies of Islam, either Jew, or Communist, who want to take our women to give any kind of training or education, either want to encourage them against family, society and religion, or want to enjoy them sexually.

See now? It’s all crystal clear. I only wish some good Muslim would interfere in B.Ali about his English. I am still trying to get the meaning of this:

They use the strategy of Ferawoon, who killed the men, and alive the women.

How does one alive the women and is it good for one’s skin?

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

But also according to Guardian, it appears. I must confess that I started to look at the Guardian only a few years ago. It begun with my sensitive self being irked, angry and sometimes vivid. Now I got used to it, and it is most of the time just a quiet amazement. Were I able to distill it into nirvana, I would have already been the happiest (and, probably, the richest) of all mortals. Anyway, today Guardianistas have done it again.
OK, you would say, so what - the usual on-line editor blooper. Could be, but let’s try the article.

Hugo Chavez, Venezuela’s president, has promoted loyalists to key positions and said he will shut down a pro-opposition television station on the eve of his third term in office.

Mr Chavez has signalled more radical policies by tightening his grip in the run-up to his inauguration on Wednesday, the start of what he said would be a new phase in his “socialist revolution”.

This is just for starters - now try to savor this morsel:

Venezuela’s foreign ministry rejected the criticism and said shutting RCTV would guarantee freedom of expression.

If you are able to translate it into plain English, please feel free to do so in the comments area.

Last week he fired the vice president, José Vicente Rangel, a powerful and totemic political veteran. Jorge Rodríguez, a former chief of Venezuela’s electoral council, was appointed vice-president and the president’s brother, Adan Chavez, was named education minister.

Mr Chavez also announced a plan to merge his movement’s amorphous grouping of more than 20 political parties into a single body, the United Socialist Party of Venezuela.

And if, after reading the above, you have some miracle potion to dispel my foreboding that Venezuela is up the excrement creek with no paddles, please feel free to do so too.

And my last question: how exactly does the author of the article, one Rory Carroll, imagine socialism?

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

Haaretz happens to tell two seemingly unrelated stories on the same day.

One is the story of Mossad-KGB double agent Zeev Avni who died last week (double dealing is good for one’s health, apparently).

Avni, a Mossad agent, was arrested in April 1956 on suspicion of being a KGB agent. It emerged that while he was cultivating former Nazis employed as military advisers by Egypt’s army for the Mossad, he was also serving as a long-term Soviet mole. Avni was born Wolf Goldstein in 1921, in Riga, Latvia, to social activist parents who migrated to Germany and later to Switzerland. In 1942, after serving in the Swiss army, he was recruited to Soviet intelligence by a Czech refugee named Karl Vibrel. In 1948, Avni immigrated to Israel and settled on Kibbutz Hazorea.

And don’t you even for a moment think that Mr Avni/Goldstein has spied for KGB to complement his Mossad salary. No, he was a believer, an ideologically inspired double.

The second article deals with an entirely different animal. This one is about Rabbi Moshe Aryeh Friedman, the Neturei Karta delegate to Iranian Holocaust conference.

The infamous rabbi, according to the article, is not only a despicable piece of shit, but also an idiot who cannot even produce a consistent story, not to mention his self-aggrandizing lies:

…Moshe Aryeh Friedman - by his own account, the chief rabbi of Vienna’s Jewish community, but a “kook” and an extremist who represents only himself, according to Austria’s established Jewish community…

But his position in Vienna is different than the one he expressed in Tehran, where he was quoted as saying the Holocaust was a “successful fiction,” and that it is “legitimate to cast doubt on some of the statistics” with regard to it. On Friday, Friedman claimed that he does not deny the fact that 6 million Jews were murdered in the Holocaust. His sudden change in position may be explained by fear over being prosecuted in Austria, where publicly doubting the Holocaust is a crime.

I would say that the above is more than enough, but the learned “Rabbi” is too eager to add some details that may turn even strong stomach (like mine):

“I had more than one meeting with his excellency, President Ahmadinejad,” Friedman said. “The president first recognized me at the conference in Tehran and he was especially friendly. There may be only one picture in which we are photographed kissing, but in fact we kissed 20 or 30 times.”

My only hope that we’ll not see bootlegged clips of that activity on YourTube soon.

OK, so now it is time for a quiz: two individuals with totally different backgrounds, lifestyles and bios, praying to two different gods, one is dead (no tears) and the second is alive (but it will change one of these days). So what do the two have in common?

A right guess will entitle you to a honorable mention at first convenient opportunity.

Update: Bob here got it quite quickly. And no, I did not intend to make it difficult.

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

More than hundred years of experience (if you count FSB’s predecessors such as Okhranka, Cheka, NKVD and KGB) are not to be trifled with. After all, who else mastered to such perfection the ancient art of persuasion that requires infinite patience and perseverance, when it is vitally important to squeeze a confession from a reticent and hardy customer?

And now the whole world is a witness to this exceptional ability of FSB coming to serve both science and spirituality. A rare moment of truth. Now it is the mysterious Turin shroud that decided to talk, after hundreds of years of fruitless attempts by lesser forces of science, religion and simple curiosity.

Experts from the Russian Federal Security Service, the FSB have studied the shroud of Turin and found proof of it being indeed an image of a crucified man with wounds that Jesus Christ could have. Criminologists of the Federal Security Service subjected the shroud, believed to be Christ’s grave clothes, to a number of experiments. For the purity of experiment, the shroud with an imprint of a human body was studied as an ordinary corpus delicti, regardless of its historical value.

That’s the only way: objectivity and impartiality. Cool heads and burning hearts, as it was bequeathed by the great Iron Felix of the CheKa (PBUH).

Besides refuting the findings by American investigators (which is also a sacred part of years of tradition), FSB experts has shown their in-depth knowledge (naturally coming from the relevant experience), easily identifying the whipping marks, the blows on the nose and face, the marks on the back left by schlepping the cross and, of course, the traces of the nail wounds. I, for one, will not argue with this people and wouldn’t lightly recommend this way to behave to anyone (well, almost anyone).

There is more, much more, and we get only a hint from another related article:

The FSB experts also reproduced the process taking place in flax fabric fibers when coming in contact with human flesh. A volunteer from among the Institute’s researchers, a man with long hair, a beard and moustaches, worked himself to sweat on trainers and was then covered with a flax fabric almost similar to that of the shroud and was held under it for several hours.

I am not sure this is a full report. I bet the volunteer (oh well…) went through a more evolved sequence of tests than the brief mention above allows. I only hope the nail wounds have healed by now.

It may be interesting to know what this volunteer youngster ‘fessed up to while being kept under the shroud. Probably enough for a summary execution…

Cross-posted on Simplyjews

Dear Mr. Karen,

I have received an unsolicited e-mail from your desk that I, with(out) your kind permission will partially quote here:

FROM THE DESK OF
JOHN KAREN.
Manager,Credit and Foreign Bills of Coutts and Co.
LONDON UK.

My name is JOHN KAREN the Manager,Credit and Foreign Bills of Coutts and Co. Iam writing in respect of a foreign customer of our bank with account number-708-14-256-112 whose name is Mr. Sheikh Yassin an Israeli citizen who was killed during the Israeli and the Palestinians war in middle east crisis after Hizbollah Guerrillas captured two Israeli soldiers and killed up to seven Israelis in violence on either side of the Lebanese on 18 July 2006.

Since the demise of this customer, i personally has watched with keen interest for someone who will claim his money all has proved abortive as no one has come to claim his funds of US$15.5M (Fifteen Million Five Hundred Thoudsand United States Dollars) which has been in our bank since the middle east crisis.

Mr. Karen, I am grateful for your confidence and your proposal to partake of the above mentioned funds. There are two main reasons that prevent me from undertaking the mission you have so trustingly put in my hands:

• I am still awfully busy with a similar operation involving much higher amounts of money in Benin. What with the issues re my looming conversion to Islam, second marriage and many other, lesser problems, my hands are tied.
• The funds you describe belong by rights to the IAF (Israeli Air Force), they being the natural inheritors of the late Sheikh. You can write to IAF via this site, and I can assure you of a very warm and considerate reception.

I hope my advice will prove useful and will resolve the financial conundrum you and your esteemed bank seem to have encountered.

Oh, and a technical detail: the Hon. Sheikh Yassin expired, with some assistance from IAF, much earlier than your message indicated. Since, according to Mr. Yassin’s ideological heir, Ismail Haniyeh, the above mentioned assistance from IAF provided “the moment Sheikh Yassin dreamed about“, you can rest assured that my reference to IAF is indeed correct.

With best wishes,

SnoopyTheGoon.

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

Mahmoud the Mad, the most popular Middle-Eastern stand-up comedian is not content with being recognized as such. He is striving for recognition in new markets, in this case the European ones.

Toward this goal, Mahmoud is developing several new techniques, hitherto undiscovered in this genre. One of these techniques is creative use of the nature imagery:

We inform you that the nations are like an ocean that is welling up, and if a storm begins, the dimensions will not stay limited to Palestine, and you may get hurt.

The ingenious invocation of powers of nature is very impressive, being funny as well at the same time.

Another new technique, doubtless inspired by his elder colleague Mr. Khamenei, is the use of a finger.

He is even trying to outdo Khamenei, sporting a golden ring on the hand he uses. Possibly stolen during the days of his youthful zealotry when ransacking the US embassy in Tehran…

So far the European spectators of this latest number have not responded, being obviously in deep contemplation of this novel form of self-expression. The Elders, however, are unanimously supportive of the novel approach to stand-up comedy. We have decided to offer Mahmoud this flag - to serve as a background to the scene and to remind him that there is more than one finger that could be used.

Take care, Mahmoud!

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

Stuff of legends, that British ability to resolve anything using nothing but diplomatic wit and savvy. The Sun, under a rather shrilly headline Brave heroes hounded out, displays a shining example of that famous British tradition. Tragicomedy in 3 acts:

Act 1: the roots of the problem

Four young Household Cavalry officers (same unit where Prince Harry serves, incidentally) return home after a tour of duty in Afghanistan. They decide to rent a house together, to have some R&R after after months risking their lives on the frontline.

Their choice falls upon £3,000-a-month detached home in picturesque Datchet, Berks, less than a mile from Windsor Castle. They visit the home, everything is to their liking and the deal is struck.

Act 2: The incident

Some neighbors do not like the fact that the British army officers are going to inhabit the house, and two days after the officers’ visit the house had bricks thrown through windows and was daubed with messages of hate. The perpetrators happen to be, according to The Sun, “Muslim yobs”.

Sources inside Windsor’s Combermere Barracks - where the officers are based - confirmed Muslims had made calls threatening the men.

To those who lost the plot because of the length of this post, a reminder: this happened in United Kingdom, very close to the Queen’s Windsor Castle.

There is some outrage by the vandalism, for example:

Last night furious Shadow immigration minister Damian Green said: “This is a shocking development.”

Colleagues of the officers branded the vandalism a “disgrace”. A source at the regiment said: “These guys have done nothing but bravely serve their country -— yet they can’’t even live where they want in their own country.”

A Household Cavalry insider said of the Muslims’ insult to Britain’s heroes: “Everyone in the regiment is really upset. It’s one thing coming under attack in Helmand in Afghanistan but quite another getting this abuse in England.”

BUT:

Act 3: The solution

They [the four young officers] were yesterday forced to look elsewhere to live - after top brass warned them against inflaming racial violence near the Queen’’s Windsor Castle home.

There is some other word that describes that fit of diplomatic ingenuity, but I have forgotten it at the moment. I am sure it will come to me later, though, so please stay in touch…

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

Via J of Justify This.

Or, in its full form: Khamenei Brandishes a Kalashnikov at US and Israel

This is a headline of another Debka opus, classified as “DEBKAfile Exclusive Analysis“.

The powerful spectacle of Iran’s be-turbaned supreme ruler Ayatollah Ali Khamenei clutching an automatic rifle, displayed exclusively by DEBKAfile, drew on the belligerent imagery of Yasser Arafat and Saddam Hussein. The Iranian media suppressed this particular shot in its coverage of his sermon at Tehran University Oct. 13, the third Friday of Ramadan. But the AK 47 toted by the ruler of the world’s foremost sponsor of terrorism was not missed by the political and military leaders in his audience and accentuated his war message.

That quote sounds very ominous, as most of the Debka’s productions. I must add my two bits, though:

Bit 1: The way Hon. Ayatollah holds his gun will surely earn him some cruel punishment in the hands of any, even the most slovenly, sergeant.

Bit 2: Could it be just a new fashion on canes for senior citizens in Iran? It is not that I would dare to cast a shadow of doubt on the rest of this Debka’s exclusive analysis, but…

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

“You will not use this word anymore when you see the glorious wrath of the Songun science and industry that will find its apocalyptic pinnacle in my next deed, the deed that will show the whole world what a peerlessly great person I am!”

With this words the diminutive North Korean chief Kim Jong Il threw down the coffee cup and tore into pieces his copy of the Guardian where this blasphemous text has appeared:

A North Korean diplomat admitted yesterday that the country’s nuclear test was smaller than expected, as doubts were expressed in western capitals about North Korea’s claim to have successfully exploded a nuclear weapon.

“I will show you smaller!”, he shouted, spraying the table by crumbs and stormed out of his dining room.

An hour later a new decree by the Central committee of the Glorious Workers’ Party of Korea and it’s great leader Kim Jong Il eliminated the use of the words “small”, “little”, “diminutive”, “miniature”, “minuscule”, “microscopic”, “pocket-sized” and, for some unexplained reason, the word “funny”. All gestures accompanying or related to these words have been also strictly forbidden.

In related news:

Niculae Pavelescu, executive chairman of the Romanian party, in his speech said that the WPK is wisely leading the Korean people to advance invariably along the road of socialism chosen by themselves under Songun policy surely guaranteeing the sovereignty and dignity of the country despite the present complicated situation. Victory and glory are always in store for the WPK rooted deep among the masses, he stressed.

Whatever this means.

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

I have barely had time to finish that piece on Ig Nobel prize on a miraculous cure for hiccups, when my roving eye fell on the article by AP, uncritically copied by Haaretz. Very relevant to the hiccups issue, in my opinion.

Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter calls for restoring aid to Palestinians

Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter said Friday that a foreign policy aimed at punishing the Hamas-led Palestinian government through a seven-month aid freeze has failed, and called on the international community to seek other ways to resolve the conflict.

A week cannot pass without Jimmy Carter contributing another idea on how to settle things down in a nice way around here. Of course, we should not forget that he means good. Jimmy Carter always means good, this is the main trouble with this controversial and noisy character. Unfortunately, he rarely pays attention to small details, uttering pearls like this:

Carter said the closing of Gaza’s access points has led to a “stranglehold” on the territory.

Surely even a busy person like Carter could have checked up on the reason the checkpoints on the Gazan border are closing down so frequently? Unfortunately, a major part of Carter’s peacemaking activity boils down to inattention to small details. Not to mention his unwavering support and almost maternal tender care for every two-bit dictator in the world.

The man who brokered the failure of a deal with North Korean dictator. The man who pressed the world into bringing in Mugabe, the butcher of Zimbabwe. The man who in 1997 wrote an op-ed piece entitled “It’s Wrong to Demonize China” (how does Tibet do lately, Jimmy?). The man who licked Castro’s behind… this list could go on and on, but it will be a list of costly political hiccups that may present a picture of a person being a permanent failure. And we could not have it, could we? After all, Jimmy Carter is a man of good will, so full of the best intentions he is bursting at the seams…

Unfortunately, we here cannot afford a failure of the proportions that Carter’s tender care brings all over the globe. Please keep him away, busy with some other crisis that needs a speedy solution. Or, maybe, use that finger massage that seems to do miracles for hiccups. Whatever.

P.S. Wiki here says about Carter: “the first President born in a hospital“. I wonder…

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

We have been careful with the use of that …stan label. Taking into account its overuse by certain people and the BNP fascists and their ilk jumping on the bandwagon, terms like this are better left alone.

However, the absurdities reported by the British press lately are adding up into one picture - that of sensitivity toward real and imaginary grievances of the Mulims community in UK going overboard.

The prison toilet seats that should accommodate the faithful desiring not to face Mecca during the act.
(I still haven’t heard about the solution to the requirement of my sect, by the way.)

The new cemetery where all the stiffs (including Christian and Jewish) will be facing Mecca.
(Were Christian, Buddhist, Jewish or other communities consulted? Oh, and by the way - my sect requirements include being planted vertically - head up, to be sure.)

Police consulting a panel of Muslim leaders before mounting counter-terrorist raids or arrests.
(Amazing that: imagine an ad in the newspaper inviting the Muslims leaders to a pre-raid briefing…)

And now another phenomenal act of police sensitivity: a Muslim policeman excused from guard duty at Israeli embassy due to his objections to the Lebanon war.
(On one hand it could be better not to have this character near the embassy at all, but on the other a policeman of this kind is bound to have his own opinion on the above mentioned counter-terrorist raid as well…)

Former Flying Squad commander John O’Connor criticised the decision, telling the Sun: “This is the beginning of the end for British policing.

You are absolutely right, commander. But it is not just the policing I am concerned about.

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

Sheikh: All must convert to Islam

Under this misleading headline Ynet published an article that may contain the answer to the question that bothers many a thinker these days: why cannot Muslim world accept the unending series of apologies from the Pope?

It is true that Sheikh Abu Saqer (a prominent Gaza Strip preacher and leader of Gaza’s Jihadia Salafiya Islamic outreach movement) said that “the only Christian-Muslim dialogue that is acceptable is one in which all religions agree to convert to Islam.” However, this is not a surprise, after all many other Muslim religious clerics already expressed this opinion, no matter how self-contradictory and stupid it may sound.

But if you read carefully the assorted quotes from Abu Saqer’s speech, one peculiar note could not fail to be noticed: the frequent reference to the Pope’s size. See here:

• little racist pope
• small racist
• this dwarf pope

This clearly shows that our Sheikh has trouble accepting the Pope’s dimensions. He probably expects a much greater size from a religious leader and is disappointed by the current physical manifestation of the pontiff.

We do not know the height or, come to think of it, the weight of the Pope, never considering that there might be a link between girth (to take one dimension) of the pontiff and respect the said pontiff gains with followers of other religions.

Maybe a new approach to selection of the Pope is indicated?

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

The high holidays carry with them a high probability of all kind of supernatural phenomena. There is that special feeling of the air being charged by expectation of some otherworld spirit showing itself to mere mortals and pointing out to us the errors of our ways. This is precisely what happened to yours truly the other night.

Some kind of deity descended to me in the middle of the night, and its luminosity was such that it penetrated every corner of my dark soul. Its face was terrible and too frightening to behold, so I didn’t behold and thus cannot describe it in details. Suffice to say that I was awed enough to listen to every word. This is the discussion that ensued:

“You, SnoopyTheGoon (some nickname this wretch has chosen) are a sinner. No more are we ready to close our eyes on your wicked ways. If you do not do anything to redeem yourself quickly…”

“But I want to, oh deity,” interjected I only too readily, “just give me the chore”.

“Then you are to become the guardian angel of Mulham Assir whom you have dubbed ‘the spitting cobra’. We put you in charge of positive criticism of his articles. No more of your cynical nihilistic views, no more of your kneebiting remarks - is it clear? We have perused the three posts you have written about Mulhie, and this kind of shit must stop. Oh, and you may continue calling him ‘the spitting cobra’, we rather like this fighting image. And stop kvetching or else.”

This is how it came to be that I am saddled with the task of being Mulhie’s guardian angel. My role is now to positively criticize and advise him on his articles, and I have chosen four of them for starters.

Who Can Stop Israel?

Bravo, Mulhie! I am especially proud of your masterly usage of the language reading the following:

The only force that can stop Israel and force it to end the carnage against Lebanon, end the Nazi-like camp running of Gaza, to withdraw from all stolen Arab lands that rightfully belong to one group or another of the Arab nation are the people, the Arab nation. The same force, and only that force can help liberate Iraq.

This is the way, man! No mincing your words, no hiding behind false politeness! You show them Zionazis!

Al Qaeda’s Arabic Discourse: American with a Hebrew Accent?

You are the first, Mulhie, to suspect and to get out of the closet the super-secret link between Al-Qaeda and the Zionists. Some people might wonder at the turn of speech you are using here:

It is amazing how protean “Al-Zawahiri” and his “Al Qaeda” are in their supposedly immutable goals: they promote sectarian slaughter in Iraq (against the “infidel” shias), but they also wish to help the same “infidels” in Lebanon. The Zionist propaganda machine in Washington hastens to dispel the confusion and patch over the strange inconsistency: the Sunni extremists of Al Qaeda, they tell us, have overcome their hostility towards the shias in the interest of their jihad against Israel.

But you, Mulhie, and I - we both know that the Elders took control of Washington ages ago, and the only reason ZOG does not use Hebrew is purely technical - some people just do not take to this difficult barbaric language.

And your clarity of vision is incomparable - you have got to the bottom of so called “Al-Zawahiri”, not to speak about the mythical “Bin Laden” - Zionist agents both, so here. Good job, mate.

Nasrallah - Leadership and Restraint

A lot of ink has been used in attempts to draw a portrait of the leader of the Lebanese resistance against the Israeli aggression, Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah, and to pinpoint those leadership qualities that explain his incredible achievement, namely, leading the Lebanese resistance forces to push the Israeli war machine out of Lebanon and thwarting this phase of the larger plans of the colonialist superpowers for “a new Middle East.”

Some might say, Mulhie, that you went too far with that praise. After all, these Zionist lackey dogs might mention, it is because of Hon. Sheikh Nasrallah that the Israeli war machine got to be in Lebanon in the first place. And that pushing out you hail, they will add, happened only because Condoleezza told them to go away. But you and I, we know better. Don’t we?

Our enemies might also claim that the level of brown-nosing you are displaying in this article is beyond merely shameful, it is even vomit-inducing. But again - you and I are both of Levantine origins, and our noses are fairly brown as it is, so a bit of professional brown-nosing will not make a significant change, will it?

A Word of Advice to the Vatican

This one is the best so far. Your crowning achievement, I swear to Allah. You don’t even suspect how close to the truth have you got in this passage:

The only explanation is that this is his offering of repentance for the sins of his youth, hoping for Zionist mercy. It is pathetically futile: the Zionists will never expunge the Hitler Jugend information from his dossier. It is too valuable and will always be held over his head.

Oh, man, if I could only show you that dossier! I mean, leave Hitler Jugend alone - there are some pictures that will blow your mind away as sure as taxes and Ramadan. The first time I have seen it, I have blown my lunch, man…

And of course, mercy is out of the question. Zionists don’t know no mercy. People who are taught from the tender age to drink goyim’s blood at breakfast time, are not into mercy. Mercy - shmercy, they say.

So, keep plugging, my little spitting cobra. Do not listen to your detractors and remember: any question or problem, here I am, you faithful guardian angel. Keep you nose brown and your tongue sharpened.

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

The term anger management commonly refers to a system of psychological therapeutic techniques and exercises by which one with excessive or uncontrollable anger can control or reduce the triggers, degrees, and effects of an angered emotional state.

This (and more) is what Wiki has to say on this fascinating subject. I have stressed the word “one”. The meaning is clear - the whole procedure is geared to take care of an individual, who may have some issues with outbursts of anger (rage).

Some people took the idea further, aiming to apply it to a whole bunch of people. In this case, all followers of Islam. Quite a big bunch, I can tell.

When the Qatari Islamic scholar Yusuf al-Qaradawi called for a Day of Rage this Friday in response to Pope Benedict XVI’s remarks about Muslims, it might have sounded like a call for street violence.

Violence? Mr al-Qaradawi and violence could not be further apart! The fact that the scholar supports suicide bombing is just another aspect of his specialty, which is anger management. After all, what is better than suicide bombing in both expressing anger and cooling off?

But if there is trouble Friday, and there could well be, it will not be because of language but because of what some people choose to do after they have answered the call for “Yaum al Ghadab.”

Definitely not, if there is trouble it will be, as usual, due to misinterpretation of peaceful teachings of the learned scholar, his colleagues and Kuran. Continue reading the ABC article, it is so full of it, it fairly squeaks. Just to mention this:

A day of rage does not mean a day of jihad (war), added Gerges.

I distinctly remember long passages on jihad explaining to us, infidels, that jihad is not a war, but a peaceful conquest of souls… Now it is a war again. Some people will bend every which way to explain the unexplainable and to justify the unspeakable.

But back to anger management and Wiki:

In modern society, anger is viewed as an immature or uncivilized response to frustration, threat, violation, or loss. Conversely, keeping calm, coolheaded, or turning the other cheek is considered more socially acceptable. This conditioning can cause inappropriate expressions of anger, such as uncontrolled, violent outbursts or misdirected anger, or, at the other extreme, repressing feelings of anger (or lacking them altogether) when those feelings would be an appropriate response to the situation. Also, anger that is constantly “bottled up” can lead to persistent violent thoughts or nightmares, or even physical symptoms like headaches, ulcers, ohypertensiveon.

We certainly don’t want the Muslim folks to bottle up their anger and develop headaches, ulcers, or hypertension. So here comes a proposal that takes our learned Mr. al-Qaradawi’s idea one step further. And what a step!

We propose that from now on, one hour every day, one day per week and one week each month be allocated for rage. Different activities will be associated with each of this three periods:

1. The Rage Hour will be dedicated to beating life-size effigies of various enemies of Islam by a baseball bat. This activity will be performed at the place of work/study/hiding in a cave from various authorities.
2. The Rage Day will consist of various outdoor activities, such as shouting “Kill the infidels!” and other exciting slogans, running around waiving guns, shooting in the air, burning the effigies (see item 1) that became unusable.
3. The Rage Week will be spent in a fun and sporty exercise “Hide The Infidel”. An infidel, kidnapped for the purpose, will be hidden by one team in a place of its choosing and the other team’s mission will be to find him (her). During the week the infidel should be transferred to several different places without the other team noticing. At the end of the Rage Week the infidel will be allowed to go, but not before converting to Islam.

We are confident that this system will be able to resolve most of the residual anger issues. In special cases and upon a dispensation from a trained Imam, a permission to vent the anger in a more direct way shall be given to the person in question. An explosive belt and a secluded location will be provided for the ultimate in anger management.

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

No, this is not this Peacemaker, unfortunately.

It is this one, according to CNN:

The caption under the picture is mind-boggling, to say the least:

Former President Jimmy Carter says that Bush has encouraged Israel and Hezbollah to attack.

And the follow-up in the article is also exciting enough:

Former President Carter, who helped broker the historic Camp David peace accord, said President Bush has pursued an “erroneous policy” that has fostered violence in the Middle East.

“It depends on whether world opinion is strong enough to get the administration to change its erroneous policy, which has been to encourage the continuation of attacks on both sides,” Carter, a Democrat, told The Grand Rapids Press in an interview Friday.

Not being a great fan of the current Washington administration, I am still amazed at the picture of GWB calling Nasrallah and egging him on:

“Hey, Hassan, how about raising some hell on the border with them Zionists? Why dontcha kidnap a few soldiers, blow up a jeep or two? Then I shall call whatishisname in Jerusalem, and we’ll have us some war. Are you game, man?”

I think that another visit of North Korea is quite overdue, Jimbo. Time to exchange some spit with the young Kim and explain to him how his peaceful little country contributes to the world stability. And do not forget to call on Mahmoud the Mad on the way home. His peaceful nuclear program is in dire need of additional encouragement.

Duh.

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

Meryl expressed here her take on the latest curious opinion of president Putin on the war on Hizbullah:

President Putin has suggested Israel has ulterior motives in Lebanon rather than simply the return of abducted soldiers. “We condemn any terrorist act including hostage-taking but we have the impression that besides the return of its abducted soldiers, Israel is pursuing other, wider goals,” he said on Saturday.

Of course, at the first glance the above quote looks as another stupid utterance by a politician past his shelf date. After all, Vladimir Vladimirovich knows for sure that we do not intend to behave like the Soviet (and later Russian) army that killed more than 100,000 people, most of them unarmed citizens, in Chechnya. And leveled their capital city to boot.

So what is the real meaning of that sinister utterance? Taking into account the profession of the man - KGB nurtured and trained character, the Elders decided to check on what he knows. Using our mind control team, we have discovered that Vladimir Vladimirovich got wise to our latest enterprise, which is to take over the area known today as Calininskaya “oblast” with Caliningrad as its capital. Of course, Germans have the temerity to address it as Königsberg, but no matter - in any case, we have decided that the Russian lease has expired and we need an access to Baltic sea. It seems that the fishes in the northern waters carry more of that Omega stuff that is good for one’s heart or liver or whatever.

So, here is the map.

The blue line on the map marks our planned high speed railway that will expedite the supply of the fish and other goods from the North. Of course, the countries that happen to be in the way of the railway will be offered a choice between joining the new Protectorate of the Elders or form the railway gangs as the custom requires.

And we suggest that you, Vladimir Vladimirovich, take as a man the imminent loss of that (relatively small) area of Calininsk. After all, it is you and your European friends who are preaching that any country, no matter how murderous were the intents of her foes, should return the territory gained by means of war. We have decided that you be the one to show the world how it is done. And since the Germans are not too eager to ask, we’ll safekeep the area for them. For a while, you know what we mean…

P.S. The railway could have been much shorter from Italy, which is planned for our future residence in tune with Mahmoud the gorilla’s suggestion. However, due to the natural tardiness of Italians, the date for our move is not set yet.

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

In our era of narrowing scientific expertise, rarely does a person discover a hidden connection between seemingly unrelated areas of knowledge. Discoveries of this kind are becoming things of the past, and, I fear to say, the golden age of Leonardo will never return.

It is absolutely astounding when in this age someone breaks the mold. Extends the envelope, makes a breakthrough, pushes the pedal to the metal, takes it all, spanks the ca… Er… scratch the last one. Anyway, you know what I mean.

In short, when a momentous discovery of a link between two so far seemingly unrelated entities - Zinedine Zidan and George Bush - is made, easily and elegantly, as if an afterthought, and by a person who’s only claim to a scientific title is that she served 8 years as adjunct professor at the University of Southern California’s School of Journalism - why, doesn’t it make you cry tears of happiness?

While the whole world stood agape at the sight of Zizou headbutting an Italian player, and then waited for a week for an explanation of this inexplicable phenomenon, never observed hitherto on a myriad football fields in the world, only one person - Patt Morrison, she of many titles and achievements, kept her cool and analysed. And analysed. And a… Sorry, I am still overexcited.

Anyhow, here it comes - the groundbreaking scientific article disguised as a humble “opinion” piece in LA Times.

NOW WE KNOW why France’s team captain lost his cool in the World Cup finals and France lost the trophy to Italy.

Terrorism.

Zinedine Zidane, who is of French and Algerian ancestry, head-butted an Italian player who insulted him. Although Zidane in an interview Wednesday would not say what words provoked him, a lip reader hired by the Times of London claims Marco Materazzi called Zidane “the son of a terrorist whore.”

That’s pure trickle-down politics. From the White House to the soccer pitch, “terrorist” has “cooties” and “your mother wears combat boots” flat beat as the top playground potty-mouth slur for the 21st century.

Who’s surprised? The Bush administration has been scattering the word like ticker tape on a Manhattan parade. Old McDonald left the farm for the NSA, and now it’s here a terrorist, there a terrorist, everywhere a terrorist.

Are you sufficiently breathless? No? Your worthless body and worthless mind don’t contain a single scientific molecule then. Turn yourself in to the nearest butcher as a suitable material for cat food.

Hat tip to Andrew Ian Dodge - you made my day!

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

Barely have I posted a diatribe on the ultimate responsibility of a sovereign, and already some people echo my sentiments. Well, let’s not be too humble - it is no less than the French FM who decided to confirm my thoughts on the subject.

“For several hours, there has been a bombardment of an airport of an entirely sovereign country, a friend of France … this is a disproportionate act of war,” Douste-Blazy told Europe 1 radio station.

Oops… It seems that, while confirming that Lebanon is indeed a sovereign country, the guy succeeded somehow to distort the meaning. Hmm…

OK, it could be explained. One or the following must have happened:

1. My poor French (non-existent, to stick to the truth)
2. Acoustic distortion - happens all the time with the echo
3. Inherited genetic problems that the double surname families are plagued by

Further research is indicated.

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

Perusing the satirical content of the Arab newspapers is a thankful job, due to unquestionably colorful material, the broad brushstroke, the freedom of expression that reigns there. At least where the Jooz are concerned. Ynet has done a good job selecting some more brilliant examples of creativity.

Being of an open mind and friendly demeanor, the Elders’ Hasbara department decided to help our colleagues with some minor technical details that may create an impression of shallowness on the side of the cartoonists, if not corrected in time.

To start with this cartoon. It is supposed to depict the rivers of Palestinian blood, no need to explain who is the culprit.
Two remarks:

1. The color of blood should be more… er… bloody
2. Zionists do not regard blood with such slothfulness. Jooz will never let the blood flow away free. From time immemorial the blood spilled by enemies of the Jooz is regarded and treated as a vital resource. We collect it separately, according to the age, gender and health state of the deceased enemy. Nothing is lost.

The next cartoon. This cartoon is delicately hinting that the Jooz perpetrate their usual unspeakable behind the smokescreen of the Mondial. That’s true, of course: there is no better smokescreen than Zinedine Zidan headbutting an opponent. But please, do not come to a hasty conclusion re Zidan. He is not our agent, just a puppet of our mind control techniques. As are many others. Definitely all the judges, to start with. You may have experienced that sense of total bewilderment by some of their decisions, so now you understand the reasons.

But the important point is that we do not restrict our dastardly acts to football. You should have seen our mind control team in action during the last Olympics! So keep it in mind and try to develop a broader view.

Now to the last one.

That Palestinian dove - shouldn’t it excrete Qassams instead of eggs on that cartoon?

Cross-posted on SimplyJews