The Surfer Dude on “The Israel Lobby”

So, like, there are these two college dudes, and, like, they’re both professors, and they wrote this really long paper that says the United States is, like, totally controlled by the Israel Lobby, and, like, at first I thought they were saying “Dude! Like, the U.S. is REAL, dude!” ‘cause, like, that’s what me and my buds would say. But then I read, like, two more sentences, and they weren’t talking about America being real, but about America being really stupid, like, because we’re all supposed to be like totally mind-controlled by this thing called the Israel Lobby, and dude, is, like, that a hotel or something?

So, like, I read some more and the paper told me that the Israel Lobby is not a hotel lobby, but it’s, like, all these Jews getting together and, like, saying, “Go Israel!” and, like, I’m trying to get what’s so wrong with that, ‘cause, like, Israel is cool. So these two professor dudes, they’re like, really smart or something, and they’ve written a lot of papers that I never heard of, and one of ‘em has a chair at Harvard, and I’m like, dude, why did you have to bring your own chair to Harvard? They’re freaking loaded there, and they make you buy your own chairs? That’s so wrong.

So this Harvard dude, he got together with this dude from Chicago, which is a cool city, but this other dude thinks that the Jews control America too, or at least, they both think that Jews totally control America’s Mideast policy. Dudes. So not true, Chicago is MidWEST, and yeah, there’s a bunch of Jews there, but man, there’s a lot of other people there too. I saw them with my own eyes. So, like, that’s so not true, and you dudes are wrong. See, even a surfer dude like me can see that Chicago is—Oh. I read a few more sentences. They mean Israel is in the Mideast.

Never mind.

So, like these dudes are saying that the U.S. policy on Israel is, like, totally controlled by something called the Israel Lobby, and, like, that’s not a Jewish hotel, and it’s not a Jew who owns a hotel, but maybe a Jew who owns a hotel is part of the lobby. Get it? And the professor dudes say that they don’t mean “lobby” in a Protocols of the Elders of Zion-kinda way, ‘cause the professor dudes say that they have nothing against the Jews, but I’m like, then howcome you wrote an 83-page paper saying that Jews have too much power in America? And they’re like, “Dudes, we’re not talking to the media right now, so don’t be asking us questions,” and I’m like, “But didn’t you just write this big academic-dude paper and don’t most academic dudes like to talk about their papers?” and they’re like, “Dude, we said we’re not gonna talk to the press, and like, anyway, we knew this was going to happen because we knew the Israel Lobby was going to attack us and we wrote about it in the paper.” And then I was like, “Dudes, aren’t you, like, supposed to defend your facts if someone says you’re getting them wrong, because, like that’s what academic dudes do?” and they were like, “Dude, we said we weren’t going to talk to anyone, and we knew we’d be attacked by the Israel Lobby and that you’d call us anti-Semites, so shut up!” And then I’m like, “Dudes, I didn’t call you an anti-Semite, you did.”

So, like, I just wanna say that this is as stupid as the time when Aziz said that Israel had developed a gene bomb, only this time, it’s stupider because these two professor dudes are, like, really big, well-known professor dudes, and more people listen to them.

But, like, they’re still totally stupid, and they’re still wrong. Israel rocks, man!