So, like, there are these two college dudes, and, like, theyâ€™re both professors, and they wrote this really long paper that says the United States is, like, totally controlled by the Israel Lobby, and, like, at first I thought they were saying â€œDude! Like, the U.S. is REAL, dude!â€ â€˜cause, like, thatâ€™s what me and my buds would say. But then I read, like, two more sentences, and they werenâ€™t talking about America being real, but about America being really stupid, like, because weâ€™re all supposed to be like totally mind-controlled by this thing called the Israel Lobby, and dude, is, like, that a hotel or something?
So, like, I read some more and the paper told me that the Israel Lobby is not a hotel lobby, but itâ€™s, like, all these Jews getting together and, like, saying, â€œGo Israel!â€ and, like, Iâ€™m trying to get whatâ€™s so wrong with that, â€˜cause, like, Israel is cool. So these two professor dudes, theyâ€™re like, really smart or something, and theyâ€™ve written a lot of papers that I never heard of, and one of â€˜em has a chair at Harvard, and Iâ€™m like, dude, why did you have to bring your own chair to Harvard? Theyâ€™re freaking loaded there, and they make you buy your own chairs? Thatâ€™s so wrong.
So this Harvard dude, he got together with this dude from Chicago, which is a cool city, but this other dude thinks that the Jews control America too, or at least, they both think that Jews totally control Americaâ€™s Mideast policy. Dudes. So not true, Chicago is MidWEST, and yeah, thereâ€™s a bunch of Jews there, but man, thereâ€™s a lot of other people there too. I saw them with my own eyes. So, like, thatâ€™s so not true, and you dudes are wrong. See, even a surfer dude like me can see that Chicago isâ€”Oh. I read a few more sentences. They mean Israel is in the Mideast.
So, like these dudes are saying that the U.S. policy on Israel is, like, totally controlled by something called the Israel Lobby, and, like, thatâ€™s not a Jewish hotel, and itâ€™s not a Jew who owns a hotel, but maybe a Jew who owns a hotel is part of the lobby. Get it? And the professor dudes say that they donâ€™t mean â€œlobbyâ€ in a Protocols of the Elders of Zion-kinda way, â€˜cause the professor dudes say that they have nothing against the Jews, but Iâ€™m like, then howcome you wrote an 83-page paper saying that Jews have too much power in America? And theyâ€™re like, â€œDudes, weâ€™re not talking to the media right now, so donâ€™t be asking us questions,â€ and Iâ€™m like, â€œBut didnâ€™t you just write this big academic-dude paper and donâ€™t most academic dudes like to talk about their papers?â€ and theyâ€™re like, â€œDude, we said weâ€™re not gonna talk to the press, and like, anyway, we knew this was going to happen because we knew the Israel Lobby was going to attack us and we wrote about it in the paper.â€ And then I was like, â€œDudes, arenâ€™t you, like, supposed to defend your facts if someone says youâ€™re getting them wrong, because, like thatâ€™s what academic dudes do?â€ and they were like, â€œDude, we said we werenâ€™t going to talk to anyone, and we knew weâ€™d be attacked by the Israel Lobby and that youâ€™d call us anti-Semites, so shut up!â€ And then Iâ€™m like, â€œDudes, I didnâ€™t call you an anti-Semite, you did.â€
So, like, I just wanna say that this is as stupid as the time when Aziz said that Israel had developed a gene bomb, only this time, itâ€™s stupider because these two professor dudes are, like, really big, well-known professor dudes, and more people listen to them.
But, like, theyâ€™re still totally stupid, and theyâ€™re still wrong. Israel rocks, man!