This was first posted on March 30, 2002, during the seige of Arafat’s headquarters in Ramallah.
Eat your heart out, Drudge. Glenn, ya snooze, ya lose. Yourish.com has obtained the actual transcripts of Yasser Arafat’s phone calls to world leaders from inside his besieged compound! It’s another exclusive from the folks that brought you Iseema bin Laden’s Diary! Without further ado:
Arafat: Kofi, my friend, I need a little help here. Can you convene the Security Council and get them to get these Israeli tanks off my front yard?
Annan: Mr. President, you know that I will do everything in my power to help you. I have sent a memo using the strongest possible language to each of the Security Council members that we must do something about the situation in Ramallah right away. I am recommending that our assistants schedule a meeting to discuss what time the Council can meet, where we will certainly get down to the business of putting together a resolution that will ask both sides to cease the violence. But first, a question: Mr. President, have you sent out the word to your people to stop the bombing? Terrorism will not bring the Palestinian people closer to the establishment of an independent Palestinian state.
Arafat: Moammar, my brother, now is the time for you to step up to the rock and help your Palestinian brethren. We need you now as never before to help us defeat the Israeli aggressors!
Gaddafi: Yasser, let me ask you–did you or did you not say that you think “Isratine” was the stupidest idea since that assassination attempt on you-know-who in the eighties?
Arafat: Moammar, my brother, my friend–you do know I was only kidding, right? Just a joke! Isratine is a great idea; I’m going to bring it up at the very next Arab League Summit, I swear by the Prophet, peace be upon him.
Arafat: Hello? Hello?
Arafat: Rafik, my Lebanese brother, I need your help now more than ever. What about mobilizing the forces and maybe throwing in a few columns from Syria, sending them here to Ramallah and kicking these Israelis right out of here?
Hariri: Mr. Arafat, you know we’re not allowed to mention the S-word here in Lebanon. There are no S-columns here, no soldiers from any nation other than Lebanon, and I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Arafat: Rafik, what’s the matter with you? The Israelis can’t listen in on this, it’s a secure cell phone line! Just pick up the phone to Assad and ask him for permission to send in a couple of companies!
Hariri: [using disguised voice] We’re sorry, but that number is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again later. [click]
Arafat: Hello? Hello? Damn! Again?
Arafat: Hosni, nobody understands the depths to which Sharon will sink better than you! Can you help me get those tanks out of my compound? They’ve already destroyed four of my buildings, and I just put in a hot tub last month!
Mubarak: Yasser, I’d really love to help you out. I’ve already issued a very strong statement saying in no uncertain terms that the Israelis have no right to occupy Ramallah and should leave immediately. Oh, and I called the Israelis “terrorists”, just like you suggested.
Arafat: But Hosni, I need more than words, I need action. My men are being killed, I’m trapped with no electricity, no water, and if you think not being able to flush toilets isn’t one of the more annoying things in life, you haven’t been to the slums of Cairo lately.
Mubarak: There are no slums in Cairo. There are no slums in all of Egypt. What are you implying?
Arafat: Can we talk about the poverty situation in Cairo some other time? I really need—
Arafat: Amr, can’t the Arab League do something about the situation?
Moussa: Yasser, we did. We issued the unanimous approval of the Saudi Peace Plan. We’ve got the PR upper hand; now the Israelis are going to look like fools, and intractable ones at that, when they refuse to go along with it. Of course we rigged it so they’ll never agree to our terms, but–
Arafat: No, Amr, I mean now. I mean can you get the League back together, issue a statement to Israel demanding that she remove the tanks from my doorstep—oh, dammit, now they ran over the rosebushes! Do you know how hard my mother-in-law worked to make those roses grow?
Moussa: Yasser, you know how hard it is to schedule these things. We can’t do this at the drop of a kaffiyeh, you know. There are people to contact, schedules to work out, parties, feasts—oh, we can’t possibly do this before August. Can you hold out ’til then?
Arafat: Mr. Secretary, we all know that if the United States says jump, Israel says how high, can’t you call Sharon and get these tanks—
Powell: Don’t interrupt me again, Mr. Arafat, I have a few things to say to you about—terrorism.
[15 minutes later]
Arafat: So you’re telling me that I’m on my own?
Powell: No, that’s not what I said. Listen. And stop interrupting.
[15 minutes later]
Arafat: Can I get a word in edgewise now?
Arafat: So you’re telling me I’m on my own?
Arafat: Hey! How’s it going, uh—um—
Various African leaders: [click] [click] [click] [click]
And that’s the end of the transcripts. Remember, this is exclusive to Yourish.com—so if you post this anywhere else, don’t forget our slogan: What, you think we make this stuff up?