As my regular readers know, the Hulk makes appearances on this blog from time to time. During my time off, I had the opportunity to discuss the election with him. Our conversation went something like this:

Pass the sunblock, Hulk.
Why girl need to put goo on skin? Hulk never need goo on skin, look at Hulk. Green as can be!
We’ve been over this before, Hulk. I’m merely human.
Bah. Girl puny human.
Fine. I’m a puny human. Puny humans need sunblock.
Girl want Hulk to put goo on back?
No! Er, no, Hulk. Last time you tried I wound up half a mile in the ocean.
Bah. Hulk got girl out before shark eat her.
You know, Hulk, sometimes you’re—
[Cue: airplane flying up coast, bearing a "Vote Kerry/Edwards!" banner]
What plane say?
They want us to vote for John Kerry in the election.
What election?
An election is how we get our leaders.
Leader! Hulk hate Leader! Leader very bad. Try to kill Hulk many times with squishy men. Hulk can’t punch squishy men.
No, not the Leader. Our leaders. Like the president.
Who president?
Bush. Our president is Bush.
President is bush? HAHAHAHAHA! Puny humans led by plant!
[sigh] No, Hulk. The president’s name is Bush.
That stupid name.
No argument here.
Why plane want different leader than Bush?
That’s what we do. Every four years, we have two people run against each other to see who will be our leader.
They run into each other? Hulk like that!
No, um, they go around the country and make speeches and try to get us to vote for them.
Speeches? Bah. Talk, talk, talk. Hulk bored with talk. Hulk like to smash. Leaders smash?
Well, we are at war. So you could say that some of our leaders smash.
This Kerry smash?
No. He doesn’t want us to be at war. He’d stop us from smashing—er, fighting in Iraq.
Do Bush smash?
Bush is the one who sent us into Iraq, so yes, Bush smash.
Bush smash. What Kerry do?
Well, he talks. Rather a lot, come to think of it.
Bah. Talk, talk, talk. Puny humans talk too much. Hulk tired of talking. Hulk want to smash. Hulk like to smash. Hulk vote for Bush. Bush smash! Hulk smash! Hulk is the strongest one there is!
Okay, Strongest. Let’s stop talking and get some Italian ices.
Girl put money away. Hulk get this one.

If you suggest topics in the comments, the Hulk may come back more frequently.

It started with a look. I knew there would be trouble.

It’s on.

Hulk comes on strong, but my money’s on Tig. Because the Hulk is not mean to animals and children.

And I was right. The winner: Tig. (Hulk gave up.)

Tig smash Hulk.

It’s so bad it’s good.

Meryl want.

Regular readers of this blog may have noticed that from time to time, I’ve been taking the Hulk perspective on various problems, specifically the Middle East. Well, when you take a hard look at things, I’ve realized that there is no problem so complex that you can’t apply the Hulk perspective to it. Let’s give it a try:

The problem: The standoff at the Church of the Nativity. Palestinians refuse to come out unless allowed to go to Gaza or stay in the West Bank, no Israeli arrests allowed. Israelis want to arrest or exile to a foreign country known terrorist leaders; the rest may go free.

The solution: Hulk smash Church wall! Hulk smash puny humans with guns! Hulk not smash puny humans without guns! Hulk take puny humans out of Church! (Editor’s Note: If the IDF doesn’t pull back while this happens, Hulk will smash them as well. He never was much good at differentiating between groups of men with guns.)

The problem: Anti-Semitism is rampant throughout France. Synagogues have been burned down, Jewish children attacked, bombs placed in cemeteries. Jean-Marie Le Pen is now a viable candidate for the presidency of France, and French Jews fear for their safety.

The solution: Hulk smash puny Frenchmen! Hulk smash man with woman’s name! (Why man have woman’s name?)

The problem: The United Nations would like to send a “fact-finding mission” to Jenin to determine whether or not “massacres” occurred. The Israelis refuse to allow a committee of people already known to be hostile to Israel into Jenin, and also refuse to allow the committee to interview their soldiers. Kofi Annan wants to disband the committee rather than make any changes suggested by the Israeli Cabinet.

The solution: Hulk smash puny humans! Hulk smash puny UN! Hulk smash Kofi-man! Hulk smash! Wait–didn’t Hulk smash UN before? It near river, right? Uh-oh.

The problem: The world media is extremely biased against Israel, choosing to yammer about massacres without evidence while subsequently ignoring the evidence that there was no massacre. People like Robert Fisk make up facts on a regular basis, while Oxford poets discuss their desires to see “Brooklyn-born Jews” shot. American newspapers ignore major pro-Israel rallies and put on the front page pro-Palestinian rallies, even if only sparsely attended.

The solution: Hulk smash puny newspaper men! Hulk smash puny editors! Hulk hate Daily Bugle! Daily Bugle mean to Hulk! Hulk SMASH!

The problem: Pedophilia is rampant throughout the American Catholic Church. It has seemingly reached epidemic proportions, finally forcing the Church to admit there is a problem and take action to remove the priests responsible. (Editor’s note: Okay, it’s not the Middle East, but it’s hot right now. Shut up.)

The solution: Hulk smash puny men in funny clothes! Hulk smash!

The problem: Yassir Arafat refuses to keep his word, won’t clamp down on terrorist activity, indeed, has been traced to payments to suicide bombers, the importation of 50 tons of weapons on the Karinne A, including C-4 to build more terror bombs, and has not even tried to negotiate in good faith to end the conflict in Israel.

The solution: Hulk smash ugly man in head-scarf! Hulk smash! And–phew–ugly man need bath! He smell worse than Hulk!

The problem: Saudi Arabia fears for its image. Fifteen of the nineteen suicide bombers came from Saudi Arabia, Osama bin Laden is a Saudi Arabian, Saudia Arabia is the largest financier of militant Islam in the world. They’ve hired an American ad agency to improve their image in the United States.

The solution: Hulk smash Saudi Arabia! Hulk smash bad men!

And there you have it. The Stan Lee Solution, starring The Incredible Hulk. If you think my theory doesn’t work, then email me the most complicated problems you can think of, and I will attempt to find the Hulk’s answer to any problem that comes my way.

Hulk go to new Hulk movie. Hulk was hoping it better than stupid movie girl took Hulk to last time. Stupid movie had giant dogs. Hulk in movie smash giant dogs, but that just stupid. Hulk like dogs. Hulk not want to smash dogs. New Hulk movie was better. No giant dogs!

Betty in this movie not boring, girl says. Girl says this movie Betty play same role every single movie she in. Hulk not know what “role” means. Girl says movie Betty just has to look pretty and be love interest. Oh. Hulk get that. Movie Betty good at that. But movie Betty not as pretty as real Betty.

Hulk like this movie. Lots more fighting. Hulk wins every fight. Hulk always wins fights. Hulk is the strongest one there is. Movie Hulk fought big ugly monster. Hulk can’t say monster name. Girl say it for me. Girl will speak now.

It’s the Abomination, Hulk.

That stupid name.

Well, uh, yeah. But I didn’t make it up.

Hulk will call him Ugly Monster. What girl think?

I think that’s a great name, Hulk.

Girl always agree with Hulk. Girl smart.

Hell, yeah!

Hulk fought army men, too. Why do soldiers always fight with Hulk? Hulk not bother soldiers. But soldiers always follow Hulk, always try to hurt him. Movie Hulk same as real Hulk. Movie Hulk smash soldiers.

Actually, Hulk, I think they broke the Hulk Smash rule in this one. The movie Hulk killed a bunch of people. Comic book Hulk never does.

That right. Hulk not kill soldiers, even though soldiers always try to hurt Hulk! Hulk just smash soldiers! Where soldiers? Hulk will smash them!

They’re just movie soldiers, Hulk. No soldiers here. No! Wait! Not the door again!

Crap. Now I have to get a new door. Again.

Well, this Hulk movie was excellent. They didn’t waste the first 45 minutes trying to give you Hulk’s raison d’smash. There’s a three-minute backstory while the credits roll, and then you’re in the movie. I liked Ed Norton as Bruce Banner. I liked William Hurt as Thunderbolt Ross. And Liv Tyler was a great Betty. All she really had to do was look lovingly at Bruce/The Hulk, and she’s got that down to a science now. And best of all: No giant mutant poodles. Just the Abomination, with a slightly different origin, but hey, it worked for me.

A few chuckles, but overall, don’t go into the Hulk expecting the same experience as Iron Man. Iron Man was funny. Hulk is dark, which it rather has to be. The only disturbing part, for me, was breaking the Hulk-never-kills-anyone rule. I know it defies logic that the Hulk never kills anyone, but hey, he’s a comic book character. We get to bend the rules for comic books. (That’s how the Jack Kirby Hulk can grab a chunk of asphalt and make it go up and down in waves like a carpet, instead of just breaking off in his hands, as it would do in reality.)

And yes, we do see a return of the purple pants.

Best news is the cameo at the end of the film. The Avengers movie can’t be very far behind. And word is the next Hulk villain will be: The Leader. Woo-hoo!

No, the best news is the box office estimate: Looking good. $21 million on Friday night.

This is a great summer for comic book movies.

You know what this means, don’t you?

We’re that much closer to the creation of the Hulk.

I’m happy to volunteer myself for the Hulk experiments. I’ve always wanted to get stronger as I get angrier. Because I can get very, very angry.

Science is now one step closer to my dream of being dictator of the world.

If I were the dictator of the world… the mad mullahs would be very, very, VERY unhappy. And if I were the Hulktator of the world: They’d be splotches on the pavement of Qom.

About two weeks ago, I got new neighbors: A young couple with two young children, an infant and a four-year-old. They also have a cat with three kittens, and they’re trying to push the orange one on me. (Not gonna happen. Tig and Gracie hate other cats, and at the age of ten, I think it’s unfair to them to bring a stranger in the house.) But here’s the thing: Their four-year-old has been bothering me incessantly. She knocks on my patio door to tell me Tig wants to come in. Meantime, he was sound asleep on the patio until she came by to bother him, whereupon he woke up and frantically tried to get inside to get away from her. She knocks on my patio door to tell me she’s wearing a new shirt. She waves at me through the kitchen window while I’m preparing dinner, because my window looks out on my patio and she is in my backyard area, because she is not, apparently, being watched very carefully by her mother. And to top it all off, her mother knocks on my front door to tell me Tig wants to come in, and I have to explain to her that no, he doesn’t, he wants to sit on my porch and not be bothered, and that he knows how to let me know when he wants in. If he can’t get me to hear him scratching on the door, he will either yowl until I hear him, or come around to the patio door and get my attention that way. Really. I’ve been living here for five years, and my cats are thoroughly adapted to their environment.

Then, for the past week or so, we have the added annoyance of my cats misbehaving. Tig kept waking me up at 5 a.m. by yowling at me to get up and pay attention to him. This happened night after night until I finally woke up enough to start throwing shoes at him. I never hit him. I throw them in his general direction, and he gets the message. So it took two nights of throwing my slippers—no, three nights. He finally stopped waking me up. Now it’s Gracie’s turn. She’s discovered that I work from home now, so that means I can pay attention to her 24/7. Well, uh, no. She’s been yowling at me to come pet her upstairs. She’s been doing this every couple of hours. Two days ago, I got fed up with all of her noise and went to the foot of the stairs and had words with her. She sat on landing at the top of the stairs, eyes growing wide, and listened. She also got the message. I heard a yowl just now as I was writing this post, and yelled, “Gracie!” in super-stern voice, and she stopped.

Finally, yesterday, neighbor child knocks on my patio door—the blinds are closed—in midafternoon. Tig is asleep in the corner, ignoring her. She grabs her shirt and tells me that she’s wearing her new teddy bear shirt.

“What did I tell you about bothering me while I’m working?” I asked.
“But I’m wearing my new teddy bear shirt!”
“Briana, GO!” I said. I pointed. I never point. But she was really pissing me off.
She took off running.

I have not been bothered since.

Ahhhh. That sound you hear is the sound of me getting my privacy and control back.

This time next year, I hope to be working from my own townhouse. I’m going to install a fence.

A big one.

Update: She crossed the line. She squirted Tig with a water bottle. And in order to do this, she had to sneak onto my patio—all the way onto my patio—and get him while he slept in the corner near the door. She did. But I saw the tail end of it. I went next door and told her mother to keep that child away from me, my patio, and my cat. I was not nice. I was not patient. And I wasn’t accepting excuses.

I do not want that brat anywhere near me or mine again.

The new Banner is Ed Norton, whose name I can never hear without thinking of The Honeymooners. Sorry. I just can’t. And the new Betty is familiar to us all: It’s Liv Tyler. (And may I say: Yay. Jennifer Connelly may have talent, but you never would have guessed it had you only seen her in The Hulk.)

Fanboy-friendly Liv Tyler has been signed to play opposite Edward Norton (and a whole lot of CGI) in Louis Leterrier’s “The Incredible Hulk,” which promises a lot more action than the previous entry — and a lot less poodles.

Souces indicate that Bruce Banner and Betty Ross will be sort of estranged at the beginning of the movie, but get back together when all the chases and explosions and giant green transformations become a factor.

Of course, I could not present this without asking a special guest poster, who, ah, told me what to write. (If you’ve never read his review of the Hulk movie, it’s here.)

‘Bout time Hulk got new movie. Stupid orange rock-man have new moving coming out. Hulk beat stupid Thing lots of times. Um, Hulk try to count: One time. One more time. One more time. See? Lots of times. Hulk always beat Rock-man. Hulk is the strongest one there is! Puny humans should make movie about Hulk beating up Thing! Hulk would like to see that! Girl says she would, too.

Hulk does not care about puny Banner. Hulk better have more time in movie than last time. Stupid Banner. Banner is boring. Hulk want to see Hulk on screen. And pretty Betty. But not boring one. Last Betty boring. Girl says new Betty will not be boring. Girl better be right, or Hulk sit on sofa again. Break door, too.

It’s from Geek-Week.net: Secret Wars re-enactors. It is absolutely hilarious, and the ending is doubly so. Click on the link, and laugh.

Next up on Second Draft: The footage behind the Al Dura hoax.

The Hulk Poseur doesn’t like the real Hulk dropping in on this blog from time to time. Got one thing to say to you, poseur: Bring. It. On. Hulk says he wants to tell you something:

Hulk smash fake Hulk! Hulk SMASH! Bah. You not talk like Hulk. You talk like someone else talking for Hulk. Girl know better than to talk for Hulk.

Ooh. Looks like a Hulk fight brewing. Everybody duck.

See, posts like this are why I can never get tired of Lair Simon. Spit-monitor warning for those of you who appreciate this kind of humor.