A Proctor man driving a motorized La-Z-Boy lounge chair hit a parked vehicle while under the influence of alcohol.

There’s a picture at the link.

Anderson claimed he was driving the chair fine until a woman jumped on it and knocked the chair off course. He has one prior DWI conviction. He couldn’t be reached for comment Wednesday.

Proctor Deputy Police Chief Troy Foucault said the chair was powered by a converted lawnmower with a Briggs & Stratton engine. It has a stereo, cup holders and other custom options, including different power levels.

Happy Friday, folks. I have a twin b’nai mitzvah to attend tonight and tomorrow. My ex-students are all growing up. Hopefully, none of them will grow up into anything like this guy.

Next, if you have children who believe in Santa, do not click this link until after they’re asleep. It’s rather traumatizing for the little ‘uns, but funny as hell for the rest of us.

Both via Sarah, the woman who has the privilege of listening to me bitch when I’m really, really, really crabby due to flu and sinusitus and menopause and HulkMS all thrown into one week. I should probably link to Dogs in Elk for her, as it’s something you need to read at least once a year.

Maariv received a corroboration by one of the female relatives that Qadaffi’s mother’s name was Rosella (Rosalla?) Tamas. When Rosella was 18, she acquainted and married a Muslim man. One of the offsprings of the marriage was Muammar.

The article goes into further details of the genealogy of Tamas family. Suffice to say that, according to it, Muammar has quite a few close relatives in Ramat Gan, where he will be warmly received, no doubt.

Well, I am not sure the King of Kings is considering repatriation at the moment, but the story clears up at least one of the question marks: the uncertainty about his name: Gaddafi, Qadaffi, Gadhaffi, etc. etc.

And, of course, Elders have lost a valuable agent, once his true identity was revealed, but his usefulness was in doubt lately anyway…

Jet lag my foot…

Cross-posted on SimplyJews.

Experts last night suggested Mr Ahmadinejad’s track record for hate-filled attacks on Jews could be an overcompensation to hide his past.

So, here’s looking at Mahmoud the Mad: we already know what he is so mad about, and the only thing to clear up is whether he is really Mahmoud.

Moshe would be my bet. But who knows…

Otherwise, some of the younger but aspiring candidates to the Elders’ outfit clamor for immediate acceptance of Moshe ( temporary name) Saburjian to the Elders’ HQ ranks. Which is a tall order. Usually we require one of the following achievements prior to signing up a candidate:

• taking a leading role in some major political mayhem in country of residence
• several disastrous anti-Semitic speeches in public forums
• being such a major pain in the arse that even one’s allies get a turn-off
• destroying economy of a Zionism-opposing nation
• becoming so hated by own people that they may prefer embracing…

What, all of the above? Including… yes… yes… you don’t say… oh boy…

OK, Moishe Saburjian:

You are accepted, congratulations. Please apply to the local branch of the Elders for your orders as soon as the holidays are over. Meanwhile continue with your current activities. Yes, doing real good.

At ease, Elder.

Cross-posted on SimplyJews

Dear suckers esteemed inspectors of the IAEA,

Like, we forgot to tell you something on your last visit here. Remember when you asked us if we had anything more to declare, and, we were like, “No way!” and you were like, “Way!” and we were like, “Dudes, no way, and if you don’t stop messin’ with us we’re gonna call the Basij dudes on their bikes and they’re really pissed today ’cause all the hot protest babes are on the other side,” and you were like, “Whoa, Basij, not necessary, bro,” and then you, like, ran to the airport and forgot to give us going-away presents?

Well, like, we kinda forgot to tell you that, uh, yeah, there’s this one more little nuke plant, and it’s, like, near Qom, and it’s like, about a year away from being able to make a bomb, uh, I mean, to power up the holy dudes’ mosques so they can get their mad on at the Zionist Entity every Friday like always. Oh, wait—my buddy Mahmoud just told me to tell you to tell them that it’s just a pilot enrichment program, and it’s barely big enough to make a single—uh, pilot. And anyway, like, we’re only going to enrich it to five percent, and everyone knows that you need to enrich it more to make bombs, and the Islamic Republic of Iran is peaceful, and we don’t want to hurt anyone, except for all you infidels and Zionists and idolators and atheists. And dogs. We really hate dogs, dude.

So, like, this is to let you know that we, like, uh, forgot to tell you—oh, wait, I already said that. Dude. Um, okay, well, then, that’s about it, except, like, death to America and death to Israel, dudes. And we hope you’re not mad that we, like, forgot.

InSincerely,

The dudes in Iran who are going to nuke your asses, uh, I mean, be your best friends.

Two Arabs planned to assassinate Moshe Dayan. They started tracking his movements and discovered that he ate lunch at the same cafe every day at 12:30. This happens once, twice.

After three weeks of tracking Dayan, the would be assassins get to the cafe early. 12:30 comes and goes. 12:45. 13:00 …

One Arab turns to the other and says “Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”

No joke.

Crossposted on Soccer Dad.

Meryl: I just saw the most bizarre news report I’ve ever seen.
Sarah: Yes?
Meryl: I’m watching Fox News, and they have a segment on a guy who’s been arrested for a bizarre sex crime. He was caught in the act with a horse.
Sarah: Ewwww.
Meryl: And then they show a picture of the horse!
Sarah: I thought they’re not supposed to show pictures of the victim.
[Pause for long, loud laughter.]
Meryl: And there were two horses! One was grey and one was brown. Maybe it was file footage.
Sarah: Probably stock footage.
Meryl: Then again, they did say it wasn’t his first offense.
Sarah: They were showing all of his victims! They’re not supposed to do that!

Yeah, that’s why I call Sarah. To wonder why on earth Fox News found this an appropriate news story, even in the ten o’clock slot. And to mock it.

Is it sweeps week or something? And really—did they have to show pictures of horses? Because, it’s not like we don’t know what a horse is, or anything.

Good Lord. Our culture really has defined deviancy down.

You are a person who usually finds these quizzes an utter waste of time. When you do find one that you want to take, you wind up thinking, “Well, that was stupid!” when you get the result you didn’t expect or, more likely, “What an effing piece of crap quiz!”

You find yourself always just a little out of step with other quiz-takers, and wonder why so many people devote so much time to so little outcome. But then, you also watch cooking infomercials, so you really have no reason to feel superior to the quiz-takers. You also realize that if you were in your tweens or twenties, you’d probably take every quiz that comes your way. But because you’re now old and crabby, you want to suck the joy out of everyone else who thinks that taking quizzes is a fun way to blow five or ten minutes.

Famous quiz takers who got your results: H.L. Mencken, P.T. Barnum, Mark Twain, the crabby old lady who lives on the corner, and your father.

She got tired and went to bed.

The end.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know—don’t give up my day job.

Admit it. Some of you snickered.

Beware of the blob (in the Arctic)

Beware of The Blob, it creeps
And leaps and glides and slides
Across the floor
Right through the door
And all around the wall
A splotch, a blotch
Be careful of The Blob

Update: It’s algae. Put down the CO2 extinguishers.