An utterly hilarious video starring Michael Bolton. Yes, really. (And two Jews.)

“Michael Bolton, you gotta focus up!”

I love the slogan.

Earthquake, hurricane, Obamacare. When does it stop? Seven more and I vote we let the Israelites go.

Yeah, Facebook may not be the best place to taunt police: Some idiot posted on his Facebook page where he was, and then told NYC cops “Catch me if you can.” They could.

Really? Think I’ll wait for a second source: The AP says Israel’s Channel 2 says that Netanyahu is ready to negotiate using the 1949 Armistice Lines—I mean, the 1967 lines—as a starting point. Yeah, I’ll wait until I see the news in more than the AP. Hell, Ha’aretz hasn’t even picked it up yet.

Another day, another kassam: This time, it hit a woman. A Bedouin. Who thinks it was the will of Allah. No, it was the will of her co-religionists in Gaza. Moron. By the way, the AP is not noting the near-daily rocket fire into Israel again. Because it’s not worth mentioning, just as the world is pretty much ignoring the daily slaughter of innocents by Syrian forces. But you just wait for the headlines the next time a Palestinian terrorist buys it.

I guess, since I’m not a Costumer, I don’t have to worry about the “critical vulnerability”. Ah, yes. Spelling counts. Our teachers were right.

- A young man invited me to dinner at a restaurant. After dinner I found out that I ate a piece of pork. My mood was spoiled, and I went home. At home I told all to my grandfather, a rabbi. Poor grandfather stood all night on his knees, praying for me.

- Every day I went to synagogue. In Riga there were two synagogues: one Catholic, the other Orthodox.

- My grandmother was very religious woman and has always taught us kids not to mix kosher and non-kosher.

- I know that if a woman is in her “critical” days, no one will shake her hand.

- My parents are very pious people. Father never starts fire on Saturday and lights up his cigarette from a candle that my mother lit on Friday. Mom generally doesn’t smoke.

- Frankly, I was a party member over there, but on all Soviet Holidays I’ve attended the synagogue.

- The Lord invited Moses on Mount Sinai to hand him the Torah in intimate atmosphere.

- Of all four brothers of my mother only one wasn’t Jewish.

- On Saturday we didn’t even ride deers.

- When our grandson was born, we Christened him by a Jewish name.

- The first time I was jailed for Trotskyism, and the second for Zionism. So I always remained a religious Jew.

- My father’s second wife was Jewish. I was born by his second wife. This can be confirmed by my father and his first and third wife, who hadn’t given birth to me.

- When I grew up, my mother told me that we are Jews. I myself would have never thought of it.

- Since we are from Ukraine, the family suffered a great deal while others ate bacon.

- Often my grandmother fried gefilte fish for dinner.

- At Judgement Day in our family we were not given something to eat. But we were told why.

- Yes, I broke several glasses at my wedding.

- Abraham is considered to be the first Jew, because he was kicked out of the house.

- We have two sets of dishes, one for fish dishes and the other one for meat.

- My grandmother Evdokiya Nikiforovna, earned a living doing laundry for a Jewish family. Subsequently, she had an intimate relationship with the head of the family, Iosif Davidovich. From this connection, my mother Antonina Iosifovna was born. Since age seventeen she did laundry for a Jewish family. From my mother’s cohabitation with the head of household Yakov Moiseevich, I, Ekaterina Yakovlevna, was born. At present I do laundry for a Jewish family and have a daughter Alice bat Maimon from the head of the family, Maimon Ben Alush.

Hat tip: Y.Z.

Cross-posted on SimplyJews