Reading old posts is a bad idea. Because it makes me sad. Because I no longer have an active commenting community. Which makes me want to sing.

I ain’t got no comments, and nobody talks to me.
I’m so sad and lonely, ’cause I ain’t got no comments.

Sigh. I’ll just turn out the lights and sit here.

Alone.

In the dark.

And quiet.

Ice cream trucks would have bells. And that’s it.

No stupid songs.

No stupid noises.

Bells only.

Using anything other than bells would be a capital offense.

I hate living in an apartment complex in the summertime.

I find myself in a mood I have not been in for a long, long time.

Please.

Somebody cross me this week.

Michael Jackson’s kid accidentally punched him in the mouth. And his lip fell off.

Michael Jackson reportedly underwent emergency surgery after his young son accidentally punched him in the face.

The Thriller hitmaker - who has undergone multiple cosmetic surgeries on his face in the past - was recently photographed in a Los Angeles bookstore wearing numerous bandages around his mouth.

But sources tell Finditt.com the singer’s son, Prince Michael II, caused the injury: “He was whacked in the face accidentally by his younger son Prince Michael II while playing around and part of Jackson’s upper lip collapsed.

“That mishap led a hysterical Jacko to make a beeline for the plastic surgeon for a bit of quickie repair work.”

Let that be a lesson to you: If you’re going to have enough surgery to become a modern-day Frankenstein’s monster, don’t play with kids.

Some might call this karma.

Exit question: How the hell does your lip “collapse”? What, he’s got balloons for lips now?

If any of my readers are plastic surgeons, please don’t tell me the truth. I don’t want to know.

You know, some people are going to take this the wrong way and think I am angry with them. I am not angry with them. I am angry with the stupid networks that have brainwashed them into thinking they’re anything but a waste of time and bits. I do NOT want to be involved in any more internet social networks, from anyone.

What do they do for me? What good are they? What, exactly, is their purpose, other than to make money for the creators of these social networks? I’ve said yes to one or two of them, and frankly, I’ve had exactly zero results other than seeing my mailbox fill up with “So-and-so wants to invite you to such-and-such group on Social Network Number Seven! Do you agree?”

Screw that. Screw Quechup, which is the most godawful stupid name I’ve heard yet for a social network. Screw anything that wants me to participate for no good reason, and take my time for nothing, so they can make money from people who also give their time and effort away for nothing. I have a blog. I have email accounts. I have my own social network already in place. I don’t want any more.

Internet social networks are the Amway of the internet. I said no to selling Amway decades ago. Now I’m saying no to these stupid networks.

Stop putting me on your social networking lists, people. Stop inviting me to join the fad-of-the-month. Five invites to this thing in less than 24 hours is five too many.

Not.

Interested.

And don’t send me an apologetic email about how sorry you are you put me there in the first place. This is a rant. It is done. Subject is closed.

One one level, it’s black humor: A crematorium was set on fire. (You mean a crematorium can be burned? Who knew?) On other levels, this is a story that just feels—wrong.

A fire broke out Wednesday evening at a crematorium located in the community of Hibat Tzion in the Sharon region. Firefighters dispatched to the scene extinguished the flames; no injuries were reported.

Signs of forced entry were apparent, increasing suspicions that the fire was not accidental.

See, the black humor is everywhere in this story, because I’m thinking the line above me is a Duh! moment.

The location of the crematorium, the first ever to be built in Israel, was revealed Wednesday morning by an Orthodox newspaper Kav Itonut Datit, which is distributed in the city of Bnei Brak.

Until now the funeral home that owns the crematorium, Alei Shalechet, kept the location secret fearing it would be attacked by elements opposed to cremation.

After hearing of the fire, Meshi Zahav, who visited the crematorium on Tuesday, told Ynet that he “blesses the person who (set the crematorium on fire)”, adding that ZAKA has been fighting against the cremation of Jewish people’s bodies all over the world and that it was “inconceivable that this custom exists in Israel”.

Presence revealed Wednesday, religious Jews protest, set on fire Wednesday night. Check. But here is where that black humor comes right back in:

“The purpose of the crematorium is to burn, so now – an eye for an eye – it has fulfilled its purpose,” he said.

I like this guy’s sense of humor. I’m not in any way condoning the destruction of someone’s business. But I find this story a tiny bit amusing, in a bizarre sort of way.

President Bush offered Mexico help to Mexican areas devastated by Hurricane Dean.

I suggest that there are huge numbers of Mexicans with the knowledge and skills needed to rebuild stricken areas.

Just send ‘em some of the illegals in the American construction industry.

So, do the guys who want me to forward them the Jessica Alba bra-less emails also want me to forward them the Barbra Streisand bra-less emails?

Just askin’.

Now you can all tell me that you can’t access my site except for the main page.

Oh. Wait. I already knew that.

Never mind.

Yes, Evil Meryl comes out at the strangest of times.

The really cool thing: You can’t comment until I get things fixed around here. Ha. Ha, I say!

Yeah, I know, this is going to get me a zillion search hits, but I found it over on YouTube. I knew I would.

For the faint-hearted. Trust me when I tell you that everyone will be able to watch this video and feel nothing but humor. Well, except Gumby fans.

Update: If you want the real one, here’s the hanging caught on cellphone.

Sic semper tyrannis.

Saddam is hanging
He did some very bad things
Hussein, meet Hangman.

The clock is ticking
Today is Saddam’s death day
There won’t be presents

Join in, folks!

Update:

Saddam is dead now
It’s Tuna for Terrorists!
The cats are happy

Update 2:

Good point on TV
Remember Saddam’s victims
They rest easy now

Update 3: Geez, do so many of you have to be so gross?

Update 4:

Going to bed now
Comment moderation back
When Lair goes to bed

Translation: I turned off comment moderation for this post, and Lair Simon will turn it back on for me before he signs off.

I’ll approve all your haikus tomorrow morning.

Update 5:
Saddam is dead
palestinians mourn him
They are terrorists

Fox News has pictures
Saddam alive; Saddam dead
The picture is strange

Saddam is dead now
This will not stop violence
Never said it would

They’re gonna hang him on Sunday. Or maybe even today.

Now I do want a Javascript clock. Dang, can’t find my old bookmarks.

Can we get a chorus of “Na na na na Hey Hey Goodbye,” please?

left in Saddam’s execution order.

I was going to put up a javascript clock, but this works just as well.

Update: Hundreds apply to be Saddam’s hangman.

Only hundreds?

I have come to the conclusion that if you are stupid enough to live in an apartment complex, turn on your car in the morning, and then leave the key in the car so the car can warm up while you run back into the apartment, you deserve to have it stolen.

You are too stupid to be allowed to drive.

I just thought of a test for the media who report on Israel.

Set up bureaus in Sderot.

Staff them.

Then report on how harmless the kassam rockets are.

Any takers? Reuters? AP? New York Times? Anyone? Anyone?

But I gotta tell you, I’m starting to think that Islam needs a new moniker. The Religion of Peace(TM) really seems to be the Religion of Whiny Children (with weapons).

VATICAN CITY Sep 17, 2006 (AP)— Pope Benedict XVI said Sunday that he is “deeply sorry” his remarks on Islam and violence offended Muslims, but the unusual expression of papal regret drew a mixed reaction from Islamic leaders as the Vatican worried about a backlash of violence.

Some Muslim leaders accepted the statement. Others said it wasn’t enough, but urged Muslims to avoid violence after attacks on churches in Palestinian areas and the slaying of a nun in Somalia.

The violence isn’t over yet.

Two churches were set on fire in the West Bank, raising to at least seven the number of church attacks in Palestinian areas over the weekend blamed on outrage sparked by the speech.

There was also concern that the furor was behind the shooting death of an Italian missionary nun at the hospital where she worked for years in the Horn of Africa nation of Somalia. The killing came just hours after a Somali cleric condemned the pope’s speech.

I want to know when they’re going to discover that the lyrics to “Les Miserables” has a song that asks people to join a crusade.

“Will you join in our crusade
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?”

Of course, the fact that the song is about a failed French revolution probably wouldn’t make a bit of difference. After all, the word “crusade” is in it. It must be anti-Muslim.

Sarcastic? Moi? Mais non!

There is no such word as “irregardless.”

It doesn’t matter how many times you use it. It’s still not a word.

Or, to put it another way: Irrespective of the frequency of the use of “irregardless,” it is still not a word—regardless of what some people think.

I’m starting my new job today, so by the time you read this (I’m scheduling it to run later while writing it during breakfast), I’ll be busy at work. There will be no blogging from work. I have a real job, unlike so many other bloggers who have jobs that allow them to spend hours a day posting.

Ooh, that was snarky. Okay, this one goes under Evil Meryl.

But stick around. I wrote another post and scheduled it to publish during lunch.

Why, yes, there was a very crabby post up earlier today, and it has now disappeared. Evil Meryl posted it, and, well, it wasn’t very interesting, so it’s gone.

This one won’t disappear.

However, I have a new thing. You know how the military has threat levels and the weather service has warnings and watches and whatnots?

We have something new here: Crabby Levels.

And today, Crabby Level is high. I repeat, Crabby Level is high.

If the Crabby Level becomes dangerous, your monitor will turn bright red and melt.

Okay, just kidding. About the melting.

If I were truly evil, I’d put up a post yanking the anti-Semites’ chains.

Gee, it must really suck for you guys. I have moderated comments, so when you try to post the kind of filth you get away with posting on unmoderated weblogs, it has to go through me, first. And—then it gets deleted. Except for the tiny percentage that slips through the net, nobody else gets to read it, and frankly, I’ve become pretty good at sensing the message of hate in just the first few words.

Wow, you must just get so frustrated that nobody on my weblog is going to read your not-so-brilliant thoughts. Your message of hate simply doesn’t get past the censor.

Does that burn you up? Doesn’t it make you mad that you have absolutely no control over whether or not your thoughts get read on this weblog?

I have a solution for you. It’s the yourish.com mantra, and it’s a one-size-fits-all.

Anti-Semites of the world, just die already.

You see, if I were truly evil, I’d post something just like that.

And you know something?

This isn’t even a tenth of what I’d say if I were really going to let loose. Nobody has seen the full Evil Meryl online yet. Pray that you never do.

I’m sorry, but I can’t help thinking that the people who hurt themselves are simply too stupid to deserve sympathy—unless they were small children.

BERLIN (Reuters) - Police in Berlin said on Wednesday they had arrested two men on suspicion of placing cement-filled soccer balls around the city and inviting people to kick them. At least two people injured themselves by kicking the balls, which were chained to lampposts and trees alongside the spray-painted message: “Can you kick it?”

Police said they had identified a 26-year-old and a 29-year-old and had found a workshop in their apartment where they made the balls. The two are accused of causing serious physical injury, dangerous obstruction of traffic and causing injury through negligence, police said.

Judging from the lack of description of the victims, I’d venture a guess that they were simply stupid grownups who never learned how not to fall for dumb practical jokes.

Because it’s the Fourth of July, and because it amuses me no end that the AFP is totally freaked out by the number of American flags that are displayed on the Fourth—here’s another one. Or two. Or three.

Like Charles said: In your eye, AFP.

Britney Spears would be the truck stop waitress she was supposed to be.

I’d outlaw the World Cup soccer tournament. Just to piss off all those soccer fans out there.

No, just kidding.

I’d ignore it, just as I do now.

Harry Connick, Jr. would never again be allowed to sing. Not. Ever.

God, I can’t stand that man.

And come to think of it, James Earl Jones won’t be allowed to make any more commercials. I’m tired of that man.

On the other hand, Hugh Jackman can do anything he wants.

It would be illegal for a man to scratch, touch, or otherwise adjust his crotch in public.

There might be an exception for athletes who are adjusting their cups, but television network cameramen and producers would be thrown in jail if they showed it on TV.

No store in America would ever have the word “shop” spelled with an extra “pe” in its name.

Hebrew University adds details to the story, describing the species and the cave.

The invertebrate animals found in the cave – four seawater and freshwater crustaceans and four terrestial species – are related to but different from other, similar life forms known to scientists. The species have been sent to biological experts in both Israel and abroad for further analysis and dating. It is estimated that these species are millions of years old. Also found in the cave were bacteria that serve as the basic food source in the ecosystem.

The Palestinian Authority has released a statement saying that the Israeli species displaced the native palestinian species, and are demanding reparations and the “right of return” for the palestinian species.

Oh, and the Israelis are digging in a Muslim burial ground, too.

A new species of invertebrate animals that have been heretofore unknown to science have been discovered in Israel, The Hebrew University of Jerusalem announced Tuesday.

Various politicians and members of Knesset deny that the report is based on their actions toward terrorism from Gaza.

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise had a baby girl. Her name is Suri.

I still want to know who the father is.

Update: Omri points out that Tom Cruise doesn’t know nearly as much as he thinks he does. The name isn’t Hebrew.