The Missionary position

Found this while looking for something on my site. It’s from September 17, 2003.

The missionary position

I’m pretty sure I terrified a young, just-out-of-missionary school Mormon this afternoon. I heard a soft knock on my door and voices, leading me to believe that Heidi and Sorena had dropped by before Sorena’s cello lesson. But when I opened the door, there were two young men, wearing name badges clearly identifying them as Mormons. The newbie asked if he could talk to me for a few minutes, and I looked at him and said, “Jewish. I’m Jewish, and quite happy that way,” pointing to the Star of David around my neck. Of course, this did not deter him one whit. But he made a fatal error. He hit a few of my hot-button topics.

“Are you a messianic Jew?” he asked.

“No. I’m a real Jew,” I replied.

He paused a moment. “Well, we love the Jews,” he said.

“No you don’t,” I responded a little heatedly. “The Mormon Church is baptizing Jews after they’re dead.”

“We don’t do it anymore.”

“Yes you do. You were supposed to stop, but you haven’t yet.”

“Yes, but try to see it from our point of view.” He was definitely sweating by this point.

“No, try to see it from my point of view,” I told him. “It’s offensive.”

“But ma’am, they’re being given a chance to decide whether or not they want to accept Jesus.”

“They’re dead!” I said, my voice rising. “How can they decide when they’re dead?”

“Well, that depends on what you believe happens after we die,” he said.

At that point, I decided to stop wasting my time, told him I wasn’t interested in any more discussion, and closed the door. I think the next time, I’ll just tell them that there’s no soliciting allowed in my complex and if he doesn’t leave, I’m going to call the police. Probably a lot faster than arguing.

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3 Responses to The Missionary position

  1. Rahel says:

    Your story reminded me of my friend’s story about his grandmother, who once chased a missionary down the street with a broom.

  2. “But ma’am, they’re being given a chance to decide whether or not they want to accept Jesus.”

    Actually the answer is that since they are in the world to come, they would know the truth and be offended by someone attempting to pretend that they would choose idol worship.

  3. That’s not even the scariest I’ve been to those poor Mormons. One pair got me on a really, really, REALLY bad day. I went off on a riff about how they shouldn’t even be bothering me because soliciting was prohibited in my apartments, and then slammed the door on them. And then after about five seconds, I opened it again, shouted, “AND STOP BAPTIZING MY PEOPLE!” and slammed it again. I think they were quite happy to get away from the crazy lady.

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