The following quotes need a bit of introduction. Israeli rabbinical authorities, being (sometimes justly, as you shall see) somewhat suspicious of Jewishness of some new repatriates, question them to establish their roots. The results are frequently hilarious. So here we go. If you feel confused by some quotes, feel free to ask.
– A young man invited me to dinner at a restaurant. After dinner I found out that I ate a piece of pork. My mood was spoiled, and I went home. At home I told all to my grandfather, a rabbi. Poor grandfather stood all night on his knees, praying for me.
– Every day I went to synagogue. In Riga there were two synagogues: one Catholic, the other Orthodox.
– My grandmother was very religious woman and has always taught us kids not to mix kosher and non-kosher.
– I know that if a woman is in her “critical” days, no one will shake her hand.
– My parents are very pious people. Father never starts fire on Saturday and lights up his cigarette from a candle that my mother lit on Friday. Mom generally doesn’t smoke.
– Frankly, I was a party member over there, but on all Soviet Holidays I’ve attended the synagogue.
– The Lord invited Moses on Mount Sinai to hand him the Torah in intimate atmosphere.
– Of all four brothers of my mother only one wasn’t Jewish.
– On Saturday we didn’t even ride deers.
– When our grandson was born, we Christened him by a Jewish name.
– The first time I was jailed for Trotskyism, and the second for Zionism. So I always remained a religious Jew.
– My father’s second wife was Jewish. I was born by his second wife. This can be confirmed by my father and his first and third wife, who hadn’t given birth to me.
– When I grew up, my mother told me that we are Jews. I myself would have never thought of it.
– Since we are from Ukraine, the family suffered a great deal while others ate bacon.
– Often my grandmother fried gefilte fish for dinner.
– At Judgement Day in our family we were not given something to eat. But we were told why.
– Yes, I broke several glasses at my wedding.
– Abraham is considered to be the first Jew, because he was kicked out of the house.
– We have two sets of dishes, one for fish dishes and the other one for meat.
– My grandmother Evdokiya Nikiforovna, earned a living doing laundry for a Jewish family. Subsequently, she had an intimate relationship with the head of the family, Iosif Davidovich. From this connection, my mother Antonina Iosifovna was born. Since age seventeen she did laundry for a Jewish family. From my mother’s cohabitation with the head of household Yakov Moiseevich, I, Ekaterina Yakovlevna, was born. At present I do laundry for a Jewish family and have a daughter Alice bat Maimon from the head of the family, Maimon Ben Alush.
Hat tip: Y.Z.
Cross-posted on SimplyJews
I must say that I myself refuse to ride deer on Shabbat…
This reminds me of the American History answers that I have seen. It is both amusing and sad. Amusing to see the answers and sad to see how untaught people can be. I can only hope that these people actually learn what they have been missing.
Not to go all nitpicky here, but two of the (admittedly hilarious) quotes can actually attest to their speaker’s Jewish descent:
“My father’s second wife was Jewish. I was born by his second wife. This can be confirmed by my father and his first and third wife, who hadn’t given birth to me.”
Jews, male or female, cannot marry outside the faith, not to mention that entering a polygamous marriage is… highly problematic, shall we say?
Regardless, if the mother truly was Jewish, it shouldn’t matter who the father is – Judaism is matrilineal (determined by the mother), so while the mother appears to have been a pretty lousy Jewess, her children should be considered Jewish anyway.
“When I grew up, my mother told me that we are Jews. I myself would have never thought of it.”
That’s actually a surprisingly common quote in Israel. In many places around the world Jews have had to conceal their identity – the USSR and Muslim nations to name just a few. The best way to make sure your kids won’t spill the secret and bring down a whole heap of trouble on the family is to not even tell them that they are, in fact, Jews. At least until they grow up and know when to keep quiet, which may well have been the case here.
I don’t think Snoopy was posting them because he was questioning their Jewishness. It’s the humor of the quotes. I saw the same things you did, but they’re still pretty funny ways to tell people your mother was Jewish.
Sorry for being tardy with responses. Yannai: what Meryl says: the fact of posting the whole is not a reflection on Jewishness or lack of thereof. As far as I know, some of the responses could have been uttered by non-practicing Jews who just don’t know better. Of course, the main point, as Meryl says, is that most of the answers are funny.