[FLASHBACK TO John Locke, depressed and at the Disability office, being asked stupid questions by an annoying bureaucrat that proves once again that Hollywood script writers have zero connection to real, actual working people] [Meryl says: gee, what an exciting way to start a series of flashbacks! Wow, what next, the doctor’s office for the annual proctology exam?)
[Back on the island, John, Kate, and Sayyid are watching from the bushes (and just how creepy is that, really?) as Jack runs, skips, and plays happily with The Others. Rousseau glowers in the background and disappears, because she is Mystic and Cryptic and she is still DeLenn and can do no wrong in our eyes. The three get even more horrified when they see Jack shaking hands with the man formerly known as Henry.]
Sayyid: Jack’s gone over to the Other side!
Locke: No he hasn’t.
Sayyid: Has too!
Locke: Has not!
Kate: [rolls eyes]
[FLASHBACK To John in a crappy little apartment]
Rich kid: My mother is in love with your father
Locke: He’s not my father
Rich kid: The whole damned audience knows he’s your father, and the teasers all said we were gonna find out how you wound up in that wheelchair, and Meryl has five bucks on your father being the one who cause it, so shut up and move the plot along!
Locke: Never heard of him. But do you like how I’m practicing my brooding, mysterious look that I’m going to use when I get to the island?
Rich kid: WTF do I care? I’m going to be dead by the second act.
[The island again, the three creeping around in the bushes, this time with binoculars, while the cellos and violins get annoyingly loud again in the failed hopes of stirring a dramatic moment because the script sure as hell can’t seem to do that]
Kate: I’ll go in the front, Sayyid go around back, and Lock will, uh, wait—there are only two doors—
Locke: I’ll go walk around looking mysterious. It’s what I do best.
Sayyid: I thought I was going to be the mysterious one this week!
Kate: [rolls eyes]
[Inside Jack’s Shack, Jack is playing the piano.]
Jack: We’ve been on this island how long and we still haven’t figured out that no matter where we go, there are cameras? They don’t call this Big Brother Surivor for nothing, you know.
Kate: Oh, crap. They’re going to cuff me again. And this time, I won’t like it.
Jack: Yeah, but you know the only reason you’re here is so I can get the Jack & Kate fans going again and beat down the Sawyer & Kate fans. My last flashback proved that I can be a bad boy, too.
Kate: [rolls eyes]
[Inside Henry’s house]
Henry: Is that a gun in your pocket or did you really miss me?
Locke: I want the submarine
Henry: We don’t have a submarine
Locke: Don’t make me go down to the docks and find it myself!
[Alex walks in. Locke grabs her.]
Alex: Dad, was there anything else you needed me for other than to be held hostage?
Henry: Yeah, go get Sayyid’s pack. We need a little C4 to liven up this show.
Alex: You know, Dad, when they say the show’s bombing, they mean it’s dying in the ratings, not going boom.
Henry: Shut up and get me the C4 while I taunt Locke about his father and he taunts me about being a cripple.
Alex: [rolls eyes]
[FLASHBACK TO Locke confronting his father]
Locke the younger: I know you’re a crook, and I’m gonna tell your fiancee if you don’t.
Locke the elder: I may be a crook, but at least I still have my hair.
Locke the younger: [rolls eyes]
Locke the elder: Don’t look at me like that, boy! I made you, and I can break you!
Locke the younger: Not until the third act.
[In the Henry House: Locke and Henry are exchanging taunts and mysterious sayings about the island and its powers.]
AUDIENCE: This is really boring.
WRITERS: WTF do you want from us? We’re making this crap up as we go along. You know how hard it is to tie EVERYone to this stupid island?
AUDIENCE: No it isn’t. You just suck at it.
WRITERS: No, YOU suck. You deserted us when we stopped showing reruns!
AUDIENCE: Wait. You don’t show Lost for six weeks, then you get mad at us because we weren’t watching it? Love your logic. Not.
Kate: Hello! My scene now! My big scene with Jack! I get to look longingly at him not knowing that he knows I had sex with Sawyer!
[In the game room. Kate the Wonderful gets her handcuffs from in back of her to in front of her just as a guard comes in to announce that Jack is here.]
Kate: What did they do to you to make them like them?
Jack: They said I could go home.
Kate: You’re deserting us?
Jack: Yes, but I’m going to bring back help.
Kate: Why would you trust these people? They’ve broken their word on absolutely everything they’ve ever promised, and you’re trusting them to let you go?
Jack: Well, yeah. I don’t write this shit.
WRITERS: We HEARD that!
Jack: You were supposed to.
[Lots of stuff happens. Sayyid sees Alex and tells her that her mother is alive. Rousseau sees her Alex. Locke and Henry continue their game about the submarine, even as the audience is still going, “A submarine? WTF? A sub? Who the hell needs a submarine to get on and off an island? WTF? Like the anomaly is real? Shyeah, right.”
Alex brings the C-4 to Locke. Henry tells Locke not to blow up the sub at least until after Jack leaves the island. It’s a one-way trip. All communications are dead. Locke walks off with the C-4. We knew he would.
[FLASHBACK TO: Locke’s father’s apartment, an apartment in a high-rise. Fans all over the country start nodding their heads. Meryl loses five bucks. She thought sure his father was going to slam into John’s VW.]
Locke the younger: You’re still conning her, and now you killed her son!
Locke the elder: I’m a con man, not a killer. Say, would you mind standing next to this window that just happens to be eight stories up, and oh yeah, turn your back on me too, will you?”
Locke the younger: Sure, Dad. I’m a sucker for, well, everything and everyone.
Locke the elder: Now this won’t hurt a bit. [pushes John out of window]
[THE GAME ROOM]
Locke: We both know you wanted this to happen.
Henry: Yeah, but I still played you like the violins in the background music. Because it is my part in this story to always, always, always pretend that I foresee every single outcome, and to make you think you are lower than low and smaller than small because I get to see the scripts before you do.
Locke: Yeah, but I have the steely jaw and blue eyes. Women think I’m hot. They they’re your a nerd, and now you’re a nerd in a wheelchair. I win.
Henry: Hey! Just for that, I’m going to show you the man from Tallahatchee. Or Tallahassee. Or Tallawhosee. I have no idea what. Anyway, I’m just really jealous that the island keeps bringing you people and I’ve asked and asked and asked for Eva Longoria, and yet, she does not show.
Locke: What are you talking about?
[Thug opens door]
Locke the elder: Hi, son! WTF am I doing here?
AUDIENCE: That’s what we’d like to know!
Locke: [rolls eyes]