I have no idea what “unconscious” plagiarism is, but I should like to make a few things clear right now.

• I am writing a “chick-lit” novel.
• I am not lifting passages from any other writer.
• It will have a much shorter title than that teenaged plagiarist did. So far, it is exactly two words long. (”Road Trip.”)
• I seriously doubt I will get a six-figure book contract out of the deal.
• I will probably put the first few chapters online. When they’re ready. We are far from that point right now.

Remember all that money that’s been promised to the Hamas-controlled Palestinian Authority by their so-called Arab brothers?

Palestinian Authority Finance Minister Omar Abdel Razek said on Tuesday that $120 million promised to the PA by various countries in the Persian Gulf were not being transferred because the would-be donors feared the American response, Israel Radio reported.

The United States has previously threatened to halt the flow of money to countries that provided funds to the Hamas-led PA.

Uh huh. It’s fear of the American response. Yeah, right.

They’re more than happy to send secondhand weapons or provide room for training camps, but when it comes to the cash it’s been so much easier to let the EU and US pick up the tab.

So, how long before Queen Suha gets an AUTHORIZATION DENIED on her credit card in Paris?

Monopoly is getting a modern-day makeover.

Monopoly, invented in 1935, is getting with the times.

I don’t care.

The game’s updated Here and Now edition, which is due out this fall, will replace Atlantic City landmarks with legendary streets, neighborhoods and national monuments.

I hate the game.

Until May 12, fans can vote on www.monopoly.com for their favorite landmarks from 22 cities — including New York’s Times Square, Chicago’s Wrigley Field, Honolulu’s Waikiki Beach, Beverly Hills’ Rodeo Drive and San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge.

I always lose in Monopoly. My brother Dave always beat me. Always.

Among other changes, the railroads will be replaced by New York’s JFK airport, Chicago’s O’Hare, Los Angeles’ LAX and Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson.

When I babysat for Sarah’s kids, Nate and Jake kicked my ass in Monopoly, Jr. After Sarah pulled herself up off the floor, where she had fallen because she couldn’t stop laughing when I told her her sons had beaten me, she pointed out that there is no strategy to Monopoly, Jr. There is only luck.

And still, I lost.

Property values will rise, money will be in higher denominations and “Community Chest” and “Chance” cards will reflect more modern scenarios.

When I was a kid, my brother would beg me to play Monopoly. I never wanted to play. I always lost. I knew he would win. So I made him a standard offer: I would play Monopoly only on the condition that afterwards, he would play “Careers” with me. That was a game that I always won. Always.

I’m sure a psychiatrist could have a lot of fun figuring out the whys and wherefores of this story, but may I just say:

I hate Monopoly. I don’t care if you you allow me to purchase Times Square, because I will never play the updated game, and I don’t own the classic game, and, well — I hate Monopoly.

David Bogner is back from his Pesach break and has an amazing story about a Holocaust survivor, Jewish ritual, and passing along knowledge that is a must-read.

Oceanguy posts a must-read poem about the Jews of Stolin, Poland, who were forced to dig their own graves before the Nazis murdered them.

In Ha’aretz, Bradley Burston tells his readers why he — and world Jewry — will never “get over” the Holocaust.

This story of Menachem Begin, a Holocaust survivor, and the chancellors of Germany is a must-read.

And to end on a different note, Westbankmama has a must-read post on what Jews today are doing to defend themselves from would-be murderers.

In this editorial, Tommy Lapid hears Europe’s call for appeasement and gives Europe the finger:

But we can’t forget. We lost Six Million of our people in the Holocaust.

Israel currently has six million Jews living in it. We will not be deterred by the threats of our enemies; nor will we listen to the advice of our friends. We will not rely on anyone else.

For us, that is the most important lesson of the Holocaust.

Read the rest, and think about it the next time Bush calls Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Jordan, Malaysia, Indonesia, and Pakistan “an ally in the War On Terror.”

Yesterday, I searched in vain for a mainstream media piece about Holocaust Remembrance Day. Today, I found plenty. And here’s what they all say:

Holocaust survivors grow poorer in Israel
Many Israeli Holocaust survivors live in poverty

The first is from AP, the second from Reuters.

Here’s one from Ynet:

Survivors still waiting for compensation
Thousands of Holocaust victims who have yet to receive compensation from Germany are living in Israel. The sums are not large and will not make them wealthy, but they will help Holocaust survivors end their lives with honor.

Some of them live beneath the poverty line, and they hope that their legal suit against the Prosecutions Committee – an international organization connecting the Holocaust survivors and the German government – can help them out of their sad situation.

Both the Reuters and AP article put the blame for the survivors’ poverty on Israel. I put the blame for the survivors’ problems right where it belongs: On Europe. The EU should be paying for these people. The European nations are the reason they are ill. The European nations still owe these survivors a debt — a debt that cannot possibly be fully repaid — for what was done to them.

Blame Israel? Why, because she gave these people a haven? Israel has a social safety net that obviously needs improvement — but the money for these old men and women who experienced the greatest horror of the twentieth century should be coming from Germany, Poland, Ukraine, Latvia, Austria, France, Denmark, Sweden, Lithuania, Estonia, Romania, Slovakia, Greece, Russia, Hungary, Yugoslavia, Luxembourg, Italy, and Norway.

Last night, at the name-reading ceremony, I discovered that there is a survivor in my own congregation. She was ten years old when she was put into the camps, and she survived four years there. She cried when she read the names of her family members who didn’t survive.

I don’t recall reading anything at all about the survivors’ stories in these AP and Reuters articles — only the fact that they are poor, and by implication, that that is Israel’s fault.

Some days, I loathe the media more than others. This is one of those days.

That funny Iranian bloke Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is certainly redefining the envelope of the stand-up comedy, boldly and vigorously fighting his way to the top of this crowded genre. His new solo show tentatively named by Haaretz Iranian president says Israel cannot continue to exist is receiving rave reviews.

Before we go to the program itself, it must be mentioned that Mahmoud decided to spruce up for the new show. Most probably he is using that Saddam’s tailor who is now out of a lucrative commission and is pining for new Names to add to his client list.

Of course, Mahmoud still looks like a village idiot, but this cannot be helped. At least he is a jacketed village idiot now. Now to the show itself.

In wide-ranging remarks, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Monday that Israel was an artificial state that could not continue to exist.

All states are artificial, Mahmoud. This is the second lesson a politician should learn, immediately after mastering that shit-eating grin you seem to perform with a certain flair.

“Some 60 years has passed since the end of World War II, why should the people of Germany and Palestine pay now for a war in which the current generation was not involved,” Ahmadinejad told a press conference.

That’s the way we, the Jooz, control the world, bro. It is called paying by installments. We have decided lots of years ago not to extract the full payment at once. That Shylock story is a good lesson: if you extract a vital organ, the rest of the body will not bring you money afterwards.

“Open the doors [of Europe] and let the Jews go back to their own countries,” the president said Monday. He added that Europeans should jettison their “anti-semitism” to enable Israelis to “return” to their continent, and “allow Palestinians to decide their own fate and live freely.”

We are real touched by your worry about the “anti-semitism” in Europe, Mahmoud. We believe that it is a passing phenomenon, and after another 50 or 100 million of your fellow Muslims move there, that scourge will be eradicated completely. Re the proposed move to Europe: as we have already agreed, we are ready to move to the place so far called Italy. But the locals, who were posted about that decision on time, keep dragging their feet. Their last reason for delaying their removal is that Fiat (that shitty brand most of them use) cars and trucks are not able to cross their borders, breaking down a few kilometers after the crossing. For crying out loud!

Ahmadinejad also hinted that Iran would consider withdrawing from the United Nations nuclear agency if membership produced no benefit. “What has more than 30 years of membership in the agency given us?” he asked rhetorically at a press conference.

Well, it kept you and your place from becoming so much molten glassy surface good only for cockroaches. It must count for something, ain’t it?

The last but not the least:

Ahmadinejad often gives long, rambling speeches but Monday was one of the rare occasions when he allowed foreign journalists to question him. He seemed to enjoy the encounter, making jokes and putting questions to the reporters.

Putting questions to the reporters is really bad technique. These folks do not know a question from shinola, and the resulting confusion really lowers the class. Avoid at all costs.

Now be a good fellow, listen to our advice and the next time we are in Tehran we might drop by to see your show. Or just drop something on your place, whatever comes first.

Cross-posted on SimplyJews