Hi and howdy from guest blogger Drew Wheeler, here with the return of Meryl’s famous Lost episode summary.
Previously on Lost: A montage of images of the pregnant Claire from last season, specifically her kidnapping and return to the castaways’ camp. Also, scenes from the more recent capture of the suspected Other person in a jungle snare set by loopy French woman Rousseau. Sayid interrogates the inverted man:
Sayid: What’s your name?
Snared Guy: It’s Henry Gale. My wife and I found ourselves on this mysterious island when we lost control of our hot-air balloon.
Sayid: You’re lying. I know this because . . . I am a torturer. I also know this because everybody knows that Professor Marvel was the balloonist. You could never get Uncle Henry up in one of those newfangled things, especially in a twister-prone region like Kansas. How stupid do you think we are on this end of the island anyway?
Swelling chord from the string orchestra as the crooked Lost title card comes up.
[THE CASTAWAYS’ CAMP, ON THE BEACH]
Claire tends to her baby Aaron, who’s crying a lot. Rousseau shows up mysteriously and soundlessly, as pretty much everybody does on this island.
Claire: What are you doing here? Stay away from him!
Rousseau: The child is sick.
As Claire’s baby continues to wail away, she experiences a sensory-overload flashback of medical procedures and jungle images in a frenzied film-school montage. Kate soon arrives and shoos Rousseau away with a broom.
Kate: Out! Out! You French freakshow! [to Claire] I’m so sorry, Claire. I spread Gaul-B-Gone all around this area a few weeks ago, but must have lost its potency. So, what did Cuckoo Chanel have to say for herself?
Claire: She said there’s something wrong with my baby. I mean, I know Rousseau’s a squirrelly borderline psycho in soiled cammies who lives all alone in the jungle, but when she tells me my baby’s sick — well, why wouldn’t I believe her?
Kate: Did she say that maybe something was wrong with you?
Jack arrives to examine the baby.
Claire: There’s something wrong.
Jack: Perfectly normal. He’s okay. Probably roseola.
Claire: What about infection?
Jack: We’ve been on this island for two months, and no one’s gotten sick. Which, when you think about it, is completely ridiculous. But then again, I guess we make up for our hardy physical health with a steady diet of visions, delusions, hallucinations and bizarro stuff like that.
[STILL ON THE BEACH]
Libby and Hurley are sitting together as Kate approaches with Claire, who’s holding her still-crying baby.
Claire: Libby, you’re a shrink, yeah?
Libby: Well, I’m a clinical psychologist, [STRINGS PLAY AN OMINOUS DUNNT-DUNNT-DUNNNN, OR THEY SHOULD ANYWAY, CONSIDERING HOW MUCH WE TRUST CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGISTS ON THIS ISLAND] but these days I just spend my time stringing poor Hurley along like a 300-pound lovestruck puppy.
Audience: Boo! Get your mitts off our chunky-but-beloved Hurley, you Dharma-spyin’ hussy!
Drew: Hey, leave that sexy Libby alone, you common rabble.
Audience: Oh, don’t tell us you’ve got a crush on her — everybody knows she’s pure E-VIL!
Drew: Well, aside from the hot Italian babe who Jack kissed and then failed to follow up on like a total idiot . . . um, yeah, I guess maybe I’ve got a crush on Libby. Even though I preferred the only-one-of-my-shirt-buttons-is-still-attached outfit she had on when they introduced her.
Audience: But Libby’s pure E-VIL.
Drew: I know, I know . . . but I think I can change her.
Claire: Can we get back to my scene, please? [to Libby] I had no idea what happened, and now I’m seeing these flashes of things.
Libby: That’s not so strange. Hurley almost saw a flash of something a few days ago, but then I was the one flashing him.
Claire: But why does my baby keep crying?
Libby: Well, I’m a clinical psychologist and not a child-care expert, but maybe you should figure out how to support your child’s head while you’re trudging across the beach, instead of letting it flop all over the place like a saddle-bag hanging off a pack-mule. That could be a start, Claire. Did you just get massively dumber since the last episode or what?
Claire: Back in Australia, they’d say that if it weren’t for moms like me, dingoes would be going to bed hungry. I wonder what they meant by that?
[IN THE HATCH]
It’s only Jack and Locke, dealing with their hostage Henry Gale and not dealing with the fact that it’s always the same few people in the Hatch. Since everybody has been living so primitively after the crash, how come there isn’t a line of castaways out the door, waiting for their 60 minutes’ of couch-time? Not that I want to gripe about never hearing about the other castaways — not since we saw what happened to that grouchy high school teacher when he started complaining about it.
Jack: Do you have to go to the bathroom?
Henry Gale: No.
Jack: Just let us know when you do.
Henry Gale: Oh, I’ll look forward to that.
Jack: Hey, we cook for you and personally take you to the only functioning toilet that any of us have had for the last two months — even though we’ve never shown anybody going into it, and you’d think it would be an even bigger attraction than the couch — so could you stow the sarcasm for a minute? Nobody likes a snippy hostage.
Henry Gale: Well, sorry, but that Arab guy tortured me.
Jack: Oh, Sayid? He felt compelled to torture you.
Henry Gale: Why did he have to torture me? Because I represent the ever-watchful, insinuating, unstoppable evil of the Others?
Jack: No, it was because we told him you’d been drawing cartoons of Mohammed. I guess it was a little unfair.
Locke: Here’s a copy of Crime And Punishment. We figured we’d pull an “Oprah’s Book Club” for a Russian-lit classic this time. And besides, it’s a whole lot easier to find than that The Third Policeman book all the Losties are snapping up.
Henry Gale: Don’t you have any Stephen King?
Locke: We’ve got Cujo.
Henry Gale: Never mind. I’ll read the Dostoevsky.
Locke: We’ve got Maximum Overdrive on video.
Henry Gale: I’d rather get tortured again.
[ON THE BEACH]
Libby: Just breathe in and out, and let your body relax, Claire. The waves are crashing in the background. You’re wearing a leotard. Picture yourself on an early-morning cable exercise program.
But instead of thinking she’s on Caribbean Workout, Claire flashes back to a doctor’s examination room. She seems to have been drugged — or maybe there’s a full moon out and her stupidity is at high tide. But her doctor is none other than . . .the E-VIL Ethan.
Claire: I saw Ethan! It was Ethan!
Claire freaks out and pleads with Kate to mount an improbable trip into then jungle to break into a medical facility that she can’t locate — which is full of violent, amoral Others — in order to swipe some mysterious drugs Claire can barely remember and may not really be any good for her baby anyway.
Claire: Kate, please help me find it.
Kate: Well, we don’t know the jungle like the evil Others do, and a bunch of them rose up out of nowhere, tied me up and nearly killed me a few days ago — but what the hey, it sounds like a good plan to me.
[ELSEWHERE ON THE BEACH]
Kate: I need a gun and you don’t get to ask why.
Sawyer: Yes I do. Watch: why?
Momentary pause as women Lost fans across the nation experience flushed skin, heart palpitations and overall heightened pheromonal responses over that seductive bad-boy Sawyer and his cute new reading glasses.
Women Lost Fans: Now you stow the sarcasm, Drew. We let you drool over Libby.
Kate: I’m going into the jungle to track down Rousseau.
Sawyer: The French chick?
Kate: She says Claire’s baby’s sick.
Sawyer: Well, I’ve got medicine!
Women Lost Fans: See that concern for Claire’s well-being? Deep down he’s really a decent guy.
Drew: But don’t his flashbacks show you that he’s ripped off and betrayed every woman he ever loved?
Women Lost Fans: We know, but we think we can change him!
Drew: Okay, now we’re even.
Kate: Ahem. You see, Sawyer, Claire has this utterly insane idea about heading off into the jungle to find some mystery medicine she thinks will stop her colicky baby from driving us all crazy.
Sawyer: Is it that really such big a deal?
Kate: Hey, we remember how annoyed you got about some cute but noisy little tree-frog. So Sawyer, I really need a gun. If Claire gets any stupider during this episode, I may have to shoot her myself.
Sawyer: Well now you’re talking, Freckles. What do you want? Nine millimeter or rifle?
[AT SUN’S TENT]
Claire passes her still-crying baby off on a troubled Sun.
Sun: A mother should not leave her child.
Claire: I’m sorry. Are you a mother?
Sun: No, I’m not. But I do know enough not to walk around with my kid’s head bobbing up and down like a yo-yo. But leave him with me. Perhaps Jin can fashion a primitive neck brace for the little guy.
At this point, Claire zones out and finds herself in another flashback.
Ethan: Now, because you’ve been such a good girl, I think it’s time for a surprise.
Claire: Ooh, it’s a fully-equipped nursery. That little passenger-jet mobile is so darling! Especially the way the nose and tail sections break loose! This nursery has everything . . . everything except a window, I suppose.
Drew: No, Claire! Don’t use that nursery! We had that type of wooden crib and the locking mechanism makes so much noise, you’ll wake the kid up every time you try to put him down! Danger! Stay away!
Ethan: Who said that?
Claire: I don’t know, probably just another voice rattling through my brain, which seems a little fuzzy right now. Hmmm . . . fuzzy. Kind of like a Hobbit. Say, that reminds me. What happened to Charlie?
Ethan: Charlie? We strung him up in the — I mean, we loaded him up with useful supplies and sent him back to your camp.
Mysterious Other Guy: Ethan! What the Hell happened? You were supposed to make the list and then bring her in. Was I unclear?
Ethan: It’s not my fault. They knew I wasn’t on the plane.
Mysterious Other Guy: Well what am I supposed to tell him? You know what he’s gonna do when he finds out.
Mysterious Other Guy: You know. Him. Mr. Big. The Man. The Big Cheese. The Capo Di Tutti Capi.
Mysterious Other Guy: We need to get you away from this girl. Her stupidity seems to be rubbing off on you.
Ethan: But wait, isn’t Locke really your son?
Mysterious Other Guy: I have no son.
Ethan: Such a martyr.
[SOMEWHERE IN THE JUNGLE]
Claire: What do you know about Rousseau?
Kate: Well, he promoted the idea that science, art, and social institutions have corrupted humankind and that the natural, or primitive, state is morally superior to the civilized state.
Kate: Oh, you mean the weird Frenchwoman. Well, why don’t we ask her, since she’s just magically appeared behind us again. And just for the record, if we stumble into anybody in this jungle named Kierkegaard, I’m shooting first and asking philosophical questions later.
Rousseau takes Claire and Kate back to the patch of jungle where Claire scratched her on the arm last season. Claire disappears into the overgrowth, and Kate points the handgun at Rousseau’s solar plexus. Rousseau is unafraid.
Rousseau: Go ahead, please. Do it.
Kate: Boy, you sure know how to take the fun out of things. Too bad you don’t live in a trailer with gas heat and a faulty pilot light, then I’d show you.
Claire has another flashback, but a pleasant one this time. She and Ethan are out on a jungle picnic, holding hands in a soft-focus scenario of wildflower fields and sylvan glades. Harp glissandi and ethereal flute music fills the air.
Ethan: We’re good people, Claire. We’re a good family. The kidnappings and murder? Sure, they’re a part of it, but no family’s perfect. Have you been watching those trailers they’ve been showing for The Hills Have Eyes during the commercial breaks? Now there’s a family with some issues that need to be addressed. But we’re not like that.
[DEEPER INTO THE JUNGLE]
Claire discovers a tarp covering up a big double-door entrance to yet another Dharma outpost. Claire found this semi-hidden entrance in a jungle where nothing seems more than a short hike away, including multiple Dharma bunkers, two wrecked airplanes, a landlocked Spanish galleon, other castaways’ encampments and who knows what else. In fact, if she, Kate and Rousseau had been more observant, they would have noticed a Foot Locker, a Quizno’s Subs and two Starbucks just barely hidden behind some vines. The three women heedlessly open the doors of the Dharma hatch and charge right in. Ominously, the soundtrack swells to a loud, wowing blast from a trombone. That traditionally indicates great danger ahead . . . either that, or the acrobats are the next act to perform under the Big Top. They find the facility abandoned. Kate opens up a locker filled with filthy ragamuffin clothes and a makeup kit. She immediately understands what’s going on. The Others are a theatrical troupe, and are currently working on a production of the charming Broadway musical Annie. Kate, despondent that she’d been aced out of the Lily St. Regis role she was born to play, returns to Claire and Rousseau, who have just figured out that this empty medical facility is actually empty. Claire’s having another flashback, this time of a helpful brunette woman who looks a little like Rousseau, except younger and cleaner.
Alex: Wake up! You have to get out of here now!
Claire: [woozily] No . . . I can’t leave yet. I’m not finished reading What To Expect When You’re Tripping . . .
Alex: They’re gonna do it tonight. You’re gonna die. They’re gonna cut him out of you!
Claire: You’re lying, you’re lying!
Claire notices the surgically-attired team down the hall and it reminds her of something . . . It reminds her of Alien Autopsy! Now she realizes she’s in danger, and lets the pretty teenager lead her away, somehow without being noticed. Before long, she’s in the jungle again, having been abandoned by Alex. She now finds herself struggling with Rousseau and calls to Ethan and his torch-bearing cohorts. Rousseau picks up her rifle and smacks Claire square in the forehead.
Audience: Yay! She’s been deserving a whack like that for the whole episode! Thanks Rousseau!
Claire: [back from he flashback] I just remembered. You saved my life, Rousseau.
Rousseau: This is as far as I go.
Claire: But I remember a girl. A girl with blue eyes. She helped me. She saved me just like you did. She wasn’t like the others. She was . . . good.
Rousseau: What’s that got to do with me, you foolish Ozzie girl?
Claire: We need to get you away from me, Rousseau. My stupidity seems to be rubbing off on you.
Rousseau: I must go. You aren’t the only one who didn’t find what she was looking for.
Claire: I love that song by U2.
Rousseau: Here, let me club you again with my rifle.
Claire: But why do you have to leave? Wouldn’t you at least like to stay and use the shower in the Hatch?
Rousseau: But why would I? I’m French . . . [she disappears into the jungle]
[BACK IN THE HATCH]
Jack: Be careful what you say to him. He’s smart. And curious.
Mr. Eko: Do not worry. I’ll just freak him out with my inscrutable, taciturn African demeanor.
[IN THE GUN ROOM]
Mr. Eko: Hello.
Henry Gale: Okay, now you’re freaking me out.
Mr. Eko: I am Mr. Eko.
Henry Gale: Henry Gale.
Mr. Eko: Do you mind if I sit, Henry? Are they treating you well?
Henry Gale: Treating me well? I’m a prisoner and I don’t know why or for what . . .
Mr. Eko: Stop talking, Henry. When I got here, I killed two men who were trying to kill me. For some strange reason, I feel terribly guilty about this now. I need you to know how sorry I am for this. I’m back on the righteous path now.
Henry Gale: Stop freaking me out with your inscrutable, taciturn African demeanor, would you?
Mr. Eko pulls out a big, nasty knife. But instead of filleting Henry Gale, he slices off the little curls on the end of his beard and leaves the room.
Henry Gale: [by himself again in the gun room] Man, that was heavy. I mean, there hasn’t been a more portentous act of tonsorial trimming since those frontier toughs cut off Hop Sing’s pigtail in that episode of Bonanza! Maybe not even since Wally Cleaver’s ill-fated attempt to give Beaver an at-home haircut has–
Mr. Eko: [from outside the door] Henry, do you want me to send the Arab guy back in there?
Henry Gale: Okay, okay, I’ll shut up.
[BACK ON THE BEACH]
Jack has examined Aaron and finds him to be in perfect health. Apparently, this whole medicine-hunt escapade was just a wacky wild goose chase! Claire realizes that she wants to keep her baby and Kate realizes that she should have brought back all the flashlights they found at the Dharma bunker. And that she should’ve shot Claire when there were no witnesses around
[BACK IN THE HATCH]
Locke is serving dinner to Henry Gale.
Henry Gale; No cheeseburgers?
Locke: No cheeseburgers. I heard a rumor at the east jungle Starbucks this morning that there’s going to be a Wendy’s franchise opening around here soon, but I suspect it’s just idle chatter.
Henry Gale: So, Locke, are you a Hemingway hero? Or just another axe-wielding Raskolnikov? Are you the genius or the guy who feels like he’s living in the shadow of the genius?
Locke: I was never very much into literary analysis.
Henry Gale: Here, let me put it another way. Are you Nicole Richie to Jack’s Paris Hilton? Are you Andrew Ridgeley to Jack’s George Michael? Are you–
Locke: What, are you trying to make me jealous of Jack or something?
Henry Gale: No, no, no. I’m just sayin’ is all . . . Are you Teller to Jack’s Penn? Are you a Vandella to Jack’s Martha?
Locke: No I’m not, dammit! Now let me lock you back up — I’ve got dishes to do.
Locke seems unable to resist Henry Gale’s subtle psychological manipulation and sweeps the dishes to the floor with a clatter. He’s decided how he’s going to get his revenge on that holier-than-thou Jack: he’s gonna make a big mess and no matter how much they may plead, he’s not going to clean it up!